Restraint

It’s all in the energy

A client asked me about something I was doing the other day during a bodywork session, and I’m afraid I wasn’t able to answer very well. Lately, especially in this past year, I’ve been much more in my intuitive self, sensing into events and encounters than ever before. The upside is that I am more available and present with clients – the downside is that I’m not able to access the prefrontal cortex, the thinking, evaluating part of my brain. The move I was doing with my client consisted of pressing on his belly to help expand the chest cavity beyond its usual range. It is one that I’ve had some success with in getting the muscular holding to release in a client’s chest, usually in regards to stored grief. The point here is that it is a move I practice without really thinking about it – more feeling into it.

So, here’s the thinking part: when we have an unprocessed emotion our bodies support the choice to hold onto it, and will develop muscular patterns to support that choice. The same thing happens when we work out a certain way, like a ballet dancer. The musculature supports the choices, and elegantly I might add. So, in the case of working with my client I was using energy to move and shift energy. I’ve noticed some men need to have an equal amount of energy to help them let go of what they are holding on to. I call this the Energy Equivalency Theory – that we need an equal or greater amount of energy to shift us and our typical muscular and emotional holding. Ask any Dom what their clients do for a living, whether straight or gay and they will tell you the same thing. They are lawyers and judges – men in positions of power needing a release from that muscular and emotional holding. In addition, that is really what massage is all about: changing our patterned ways of moving through the world, including the patterned ways we hold onto our emotions.

Another example is how some people need drama in their lives. They create, whether consciously or unconsciously, emotional upheaval to mirror what they are feeling inside. All the world IS in fact a stage (thanks, Bill). I see this phenomenon on the table, where I first became aware that something more was going on: I’d have clients that kept asking for more pressure and more pressure, and even when it was all I could give they were asking for more. This was a clue to me that some other dynamic was happening. The outcome was always either one of two polarities – the first that they would leave wanting more, unsatisfied, and the second that I would be successful in helping them to feel a force greater than the force they were using to hold down the emotions and catharsis would unfold. The greater the energy used to hold down the emotion the greater the release.

Let me be clear here – I am not a big fan of catharsis. Things do not have to be this way, big and dramatic. Perhaps it is how we, as men, are taught to process our emotions. Or Freud’s thesis in Civilization and its Discontents – he writes that we are faced with need frustrations almost every moment of every day and we have to deal with it/respond to it by using a significant amount of energy, dampening down our vital impulses in the process.

I am however, a big fan of Systems Theory, of watching how our available energy is spent from moment to moment, of being especially mindful of how our systems use energy expanding and contracting relationally. If there is one single message to take away, it is to be mindful of how you use/expend energy, to notice how you express yourself and wonder about it all, to disconnect from the emotional drama of our lives and drop into curiosity. After all, it is just energy.

Hold me back please…….

Diving deeper into More Tips Tricks and Techniques from the Edge……….here’s one we did in class in January.  In ruminating about the subtle seduction of Glory Holes, I got to thinking about what it is that most surely brings about a Big O.  Someone, maybe even a few someones, are pleasuring us on the other side of the glory hole and we cannot control anything about the contact, besides (gasp!!!) pulling out.

Our body faces a hard wall, both solid and immovable, while our junk is getting softly caressed and stroked to an explosive end.  There is something seductive about being not in control, especially our own pleasure.  Secretly, I’ve always fantasized about having a hole in the massage table I use, about midway down so that when you are lying face down your goodies are hanging all loose and free below for anyone to explore while you are getting a deep tissue bodywork session.  Sigh!

Okay, so here’s the good part:  Have your favorite man whore kneel on the bed facing away from you while you position yourself kneeling behind him, perhaps even between his legs, with one arm (your non-dominant arm) reaching around holding him firmly to your chest.  Next, take your dominant hand and, reaching around to the front of your man, stroke off your partner.  His job is to be passive, to be taken, pleasured, abused.  And, depending on his size, you can even use the other hand to stroke his head, nips, or neck, while the other has a firm grip on his tool.

While this can and does also work if your cock is inside him, it is much more effective if you are providing total holding (what we call containment).  Your buddy’s load will be rich and explosive, all the more so if he can really let go.  An optional trick might be to pop in a butt plug into your buddy beforehand, using your hips to hold it securely in place while you stroke him from behind.   Hint: “Straight guys” love this because they can always say that it was done to them, it wasn’t their fault because they weren’t in control.  Whatever!

A Little Resistance is Good for the Hole

Under the heading of more Tips, Tricks and Techniques from the Edge (you just KNOW you want more….) here ‘s one secret technique I found that is guaranteed to get your man off big time.  The next time your Paddle Daddy is plowing yer ass big time in the Miss Posish (the ol Missionary Position for all you traditionalists) put your arms over head and have your man hold your wrists down.  Now you may be thinking, “Dude I’ve been all over that action before – what gives?”  Here’s where it gets all interesting and shit.  Think about it energetically – give your man a little resistance as he is holding your wrists down.  Not too much as you want  most of his energy to go into the thrusting, not into holding you down.  What you are creating is a little frustration in the system.  You want just enough to make him want to try harder (not give up exhausted).  It is what we call a distraction technique, a diversion from the hot fucking feelings his dick is undoubtedly feeling – and he’s gong to want to try a little harder to get that yummy-squishy-I’m-going-to-blow-a-big-ol-load-in-your-ass dick feelings.  And the timing is very important – I would try this nearer to the end of the play as you are approaching the finish line.  That coupled with a  few well placed pelvic rotations and you’ll have your man begging for more.

Who ever said a little resistance wasn’t a good thing?

Rock on!

Stop It – I tell you!!! Or Else! Don’t make me cum over there!

Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.

From The Course in Miracles

I am always looking at the ways we hold ourselves back in our erotic lives. It all seems to boil down to one question – what is getting in the way of us having a full expression?

In some ways, the trip down to Temptation Ranch in the Spring did that for me. Here, I could delve into different expressions of eroticism, including throwing my ass in a sling while really enjoying the experience (I mean really letting go……), hiking naked, getting blown on a mountain top and by the pool where a number of men pretended NOT to look, and generally (AND specifically – yes, you Leo) sharing myself with a number of men in a safe environment.

Sure, all manner of germs can get in the way, thoughts of, “oh no, I don’t rim because of………..” or “I just can’t get myself to…..” fill-in-the-blank-here. Yes, there are a lot of scary bugs out there but ya know, we cannot live wrapped in plastic wrap all of our lives, afraid of a little human contact.

Or even thoughts of, “what happens after we fuck so why start” syndrome. Ya know, the “okay, now what” thing you might tell yourself. This last one is really about being able to negotiate and set clear boundaries without care-taking your new FB of the moment AFTER you cum.

There is even something called spiritual bypass, which means that we delve into all manner of spiritual endeavors, Including that much-hated Exodus’ reparation therapy, to NOT look at something vital to our well-being, like good sex with men. This is way more common than you think. What. The. Shit.

So the next time you are feeling horny, look at the impulses you feel, the dance you do around moving forward toward something nourishing and the shadow impulses to NOT do that. And when you are feeling those impulses to hold yourself back, remember the wise words of Bob Newheart.