presence

Transforming the Endgame

We know we have advanced into adulthood when sex is no longer about sexual activity but about erotic/affectionate energy.  Then the accent is not on a behavior that gives pleasure so much as on a loving force that shares it.

David Richo from the book When the Past is Present

This quote perfectly illustrates what I teach in the SE classes – that the main focus on our erotic play needs to shift.  In speaking with a potential client last week, I was struck by how much anxiety can be created in our minds, and our partners, around cumming.  Perhaps it is that one cannot maintain a hardon, or has a delayed ejaculation,  or gets hard slowly, or even that your buddy did but you didn’t.  There are many variations all concentrating on one single major event or goal.  Damn, that’s a lot of pressure.

Ease up guys.  Men need to change that, make erotic play more fun.  The way to do this is to take the endgame off the table - to create space so that sex isn’t about performance, a duality of either it’s good or bad sex, and make it more about play.  It’s a whole different way of thinking about sex with another man, less about proscribed movements that we saw in the latest steamy porn vid and more about having room for creativity and choices.  That way, no one has to “measure up” to some fantasized pornographic ideal of what a “hot” session should be.

I do not like to do anything that limits my choices.  I am the first one to rail against someone telling me I should do things only one way.  Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!  (Sorry Guys – that was one of my favorite obscure Charlton Heston references).  Ah, but I digress…….

For a lot of men it’s hard to imagine how to have sex that isn’t about “finishing.”  They have been having sex for years and doing it the same way, same for jacking off.  For me, good sex is where my legs are shaking and my whole body is vibrating not whether I’ve ejaculated load after load on his face or down his throat.  Energetically the feeling is exactly the same: spent, energized, heart open and sweaty – but with no cumming I do not feel drained of man energy.

And a little plug for this excellent book: David Richo, a psychotherapist in SF, explains about our projections and how they get in the way of a loving relationship.   It is about taking back our power so that we are more present in the present, not coming from some imagined past.  Check it out, guys.

So, please think about doing something different the next time you are getting sweaty with your man.  Think about changing the rules to make room for more play and less about the endgame.  You WILL discover something new about yourself in the process – that all that anxiety around sex has melted away.

More of what I want for Christmas……..

In all of the craziness of the season, what with the buying and parties, the drinking and forced family get-togethers, it can be difficult to feel connected to others, let alone ourselves.  Most of the time our energy is moving out into the surround, deciding what prezzies to buy for that special man in your life, deadlines for mailing gifts, all leading up to the frenzy of the 25th of this month.  Yet, in all of this madness we can become disconnected from what truly makes us happy.  In Somatic terms, discovering and practicing things that make us feel centered and happy are what we call resources.

I reminded a client just this morning that he feels most connected to himself and much more available to others when he walks the dog in the park (or the beach);  this one simple act grounds him, and calms down the anxiety he feels.  What makes you more available?  No, I don’t mean a jar of your favorite lube, or a even a stiff Scotch.  What is it you do, or can do, to bring you back to yourself?

I’ve found that coming from a place of gratitude about all that we have in our lives increases our feelings of abundance and well-being.  In fact, this is one of the basics laws of the universe, something lost on the new generation of kids.  The younger generation, I’ve found, do not express their thanks as say the older folks who understand this basic concept.  When you increase your level of gratitude about all of the wonderful things you have in your life, you also increase the likelihood of it happening again (and again).  Do you see?  It is about an openness, not an, “I’ve got to get more” or “there’s just not enough in the world” attitude.

This truly is a time for thankfulness.  We have a lot to be thankful for – when we connect to our resources we become more available to ourselves and others, and when we connect to our gratitude for what we do have, we leave room for all kinds of good things to come into our lives.   Thanks for walking this path with me over the past year, for taking emotional and erotic risks, and for being open………..

In Gratitude and Much Love this Season

David

Finding our Center? I didn’t realize I’d lost it…………..

Where is our center?  Just what does this mean, finding our center?  Perhaps we know it all too well when we are around a man that is “not centered.”  They tend to be spacey versus present emotionally and tend toward reacting instead of acting in situations.  Typically a centered man knows what they want and need versus a man that is easily influenced by others.  This isn’t about generalizing – more about helping you to recognize when you are around man that is not centered.  Typically a man that is centered responds after hearing what you have to say, versus a non-centered man that answers while listening.  See where I am going with this?

Being uncentered takes us into our anxious selves, into our heads – and when the energy is moving up instead of down into our grounding and centering, it becomes difficult to think clearly.  We tend to look into our surround for guidance instead of inside, to that inner knowing that we all possess.  So, what the heck do we DO about this, when it seems to whole world is conspiring against our coming from a centered place in our lives?  It’s all about the awareness, baby!

In my spiritual training back in the 80′s I learned the importance of a centering practice, about expanding my everyday awareness to include all of the sensations of my body.  I discovered the ‘language” of the body, my body.  Once I opened myself up to this practice, or meditation (and it really is a body mediation!), I discovered a whole other way of knowing, a whole other way of being in the world.  Men frequently ask me, “how did you know this or that?” when really it is about opening myself up to an inner language of my body.  THIS INNER KNOWNG CANNOT HAPPEN IF WE ARE NOT CENTERED!

In addition to a general body awareness practice there are all kinds of centering practices: usually some form of somatic movement such as yoga, Chi Gong, swimming (a meditative practice in itself, yes.), even body-building or dancing in front of a full-length mirror can help develop centering.  One note though – any kind of trauma can interrupt what is called an “orienting reflex” making it a challenge to find our center.  Working with a qualified movement therapist or somatic practitioner can help with this.  To me, life, our relationships, and even our level of contentedness is all about FIRST finding our center.