Communication

Let go of my ears – I know what I’m doing????

One SE student proudly wears a T shirt to class with the title of this post on it sometimes, and yes, admittedly, as a peter puffer he is good at what he does (really good, damn!), but it had me thinking about how men give head. I’ve found that, more often than not, men practice (and I mean practice literally here) zipper sex in the way that they fuck – by rote, as in something they are used to.
I can be very verbal in play sessions, and really enjoy both speaking and hearing it in a session. I don’t mean the “oh, Daddy” kind but more the “yes, this is how I like it” and “more of that right there,” or even “try this.” My comments are sexualized instructions on how to suck my cock plain and simple. I feel this sets me apart as a good sexual communicator in bed. Yes, yes, yes, you might be saying, all that is well and good, but here’s kicker.
A lot of men merely listen for a moment and then go right back to what they usually do when giving a piston job – they go into their rote patterns of sucking cock. Guys – cock-sucking is an art form and if a man is willing to tell you how to please him, fuck. Just do it. I mean really listen, not just to the words, but even to how they are responding to what you are doing – the moans will give you a clue as to what to do more of and what to stop doing. For me, silence is not good (silence=bad) – this is probably the time when they are going into their heads and fantasizing/dissociating from the present moment. Being verbal really helps you and your partner stay present.
Every man is built differently and is sensitive in different parts of their cock. Personally I like to get hard in my partner’s mouth, slowly, so I prefer a “tasting” method.
DETAILED INSTRUCTIONS HERE SO PAY ATTENTION guys: Deep throat your partner and stay there without any movement, allowing your man to feel your breath on his pubes. this might even be the time to hum a few bars of your favorite aria or pop tune. Seriously. You can even get your buddy to join in on the refrain.
After the 4th or 5th verse, next try swallowing slowly while keeping your tongue extended toward the base. What this does is tighten your throat muscles around his meat and pull it down. After all, this is the action of the throat muscles, to pull food down your gullet. My oh my, this feels very good. In addition, the oxytocin in his pre-cum will make your throat feel good also, further encouraging it to contract.
So there ya go, all you blow monkeys out there.
And for you ‘heady guys” here is some more reading, an excerpt by Erobinteca:

I undid your belt buckle, popped the buttons of your faded jeans one at a time. Pulled them down to your ankles. Saw your large cock spring free in the dim light. You hopped onto the drafting table, sat with legs dangling, your fingers in my short hair.

You instructed me. With gentle words taught me how to use my tongue on your glans, my lips on your shaft. With you I learned pressure, suction, tempo. How to use my teeth, lightly, teasingly.
You whispered a request to me – suck your balls. Fleshy plums, I drew them into the cave of my mouth, played my tongue over them. With this you moaned for me, leaked a drop of fluid. Once again, my lips met the head of your cock, tasted the sweet, sour, salty promise of a lesson well-learned….

What this all cums down to guys is bringing mindfulness to your cock-sucking, a heightened level of awareness to all you jaw queens and throat monsters out there.
Never stop practicing!!

Did I say that? Speaking in code.

I’ve noticed that in certain regions of the country there is a propensity to speak more indirectly than in others. In New York people ask very directly, almost shockingly so, to get their needs met however, in the Midwest, it is much more common to be obtuse, to ask almost sideways. The reasons for this are many and varied, from a shameful religious upbringing to family rules around emotional expression (as in learned behavior), and perhaps many more, even fear of personal power. I see this often in the erotic realm, where men just aren’t that comfortable speaking about what they want, and here’s the kicker, even WHILE THEY ARE HAVING THE VERY THING THEY NEED TO COMMUNICATE ABOUT!!! Yeah, I know, shocking, eh?

Sex an intimate experience with another, so any miscommunication can complicate things quickly. Let me give you an example: two sweaty men are getting it on, one is topping the other, raping his ass but good. The bottom, being the Midwest transplant that he is, is getting sore and uncomfortable in his butthole, most likely caused by his diet (did you think there were NO consequences of eating that third spicy taco at lunch?) or a lack of juicy lube. So, instead of asking directly to stop, he hints around. Trust me, sex is not a realm you want to be hinting around, especially in a major sporting event like when I play.
Or, another way I’ve encountered is when men use sign language or gestures or euphemisms. Cut the crap already. In a number of Body Electric workshops, and in my own classes (last week’s was called Finding your Voice, working specifically with the throat chakra) we do exercises, practicing asking clearly and shamelessly for what we want erotically. We did a Zen Practice exercise where you get asked that question over and over (like a Koan), each time you have to answer differently, hopefully distilling down what you want and taking you somewhere that might surprise you.

Try practicing this outside of the erotic realm – this is an important skill to have. A big part of stepping into our power as erotic MEN is the ability to speak what needs to be spoken. Yes, it matters.