Getting Your Licks in

Sex is not a fatality; it’s a possibility for creative life. It’s not enough to affirm that we are gay but we must also create a gay life.” Michel Foucault

What does this mean?  A Gay Life?  I suspect it may mean that we are defined somewhat by our behaviors, like MSM (Men who have sex with Men) changed the way we looked epidemiologically at the spread of STD’s in the 90’s.  The idea is that we look to the behaviors and not the labeling, like gay, or fag or queer – these mere descriptors will not tell us much.  However when we look at what two men are actually doing together when the lights are off, this tells us much more about a creative life, our yearnings, even our lust for power or surrender.

By walking hand in hand on vacation with your BF (or FB for that matter) you are letting folks know that it is not safe to assume a binary approach to sexuality – that good sex comes in many shapes and sizes, and that to have a life defined by others is not a life.  We need to create a life worth living through our actions – defined by US.  Be adventurous, explore, try something new.  Then get good at it.  You’ll have em lined out the door.

Like Rimming.

This is one of those practices I thoroughly enjoy (I repeat ENJOY) getting and it is relatively safe under the right circumstances.  Before I get into that here are a few articles on the subject to check out, and while the Rimming 101 article is geared toward the “straight” community, it offers a number of aspects to think about before going down on your man.

Physiologically, there is an extraordinary aspect of rimming that you’ll notice once you get past the cultural squeamishness of having your rear licks tenderly (or wildly).  There is a direct energetic link to the jaw – midwives and doulas know this so they use pressure points in the mouth to induce relaxation in the pelvis for child birth.  You’ll quickly find that your whole body begins to soften and relax, especially as you get more into it.  This is why in porn vids you often find tops preparing their men for later insertion by relaxing their man with their mouth and tongue and spit first.

Rimming 101 is a good read, plus check out this video by Colt to get your motor running.

Aside from the usual tips and tricks listed in the article, there are a few guidelines I like to use:

-  Make sure your man is clean and fresh out of the shower, or better yet, jump the fuck in there with him, soap his hole to your satisfaction and teach him the real meaning of bi-lingual.

-  It is always fun to surprise your man in the pool or hot tub

-  In the sling, once you have your buddy face up and all relaxed, place your tongue (especially if you are squeamish about exploring his man hole) along the ridges of the perineum, the “taint” will have definite valleys on either side when he is hard, and use two very wet fingers to lightly explore his hole.  To him, it’ll feel as though your tongue is in his hole – he will not be able to feel the difference.

Finally, here is a photo blog from my favorite site, Tumblr about rimming.

So, never shy away from PDA’s with your man.  We are constructing a “creative life” one rimmed butt at a time.

Erotic Triggers – What turns you ON? (reprinted from the SE Newsletter)

Many of us men know by now what turns us on.  It may be an image of hairy forearms or pits, or a 5 o’clock shadow, someone sucking on your ears, or even licking your “taint.”  Sometimes though we do not acknowledge (admit to ourselves that we enjoy this large dick or that muscled chest) to ourselves or to others.
One way is to make it explicit, to take our erotic desires out of the shadows and into the light, is to write it all down.  You may find that just the act of writing down on paper what turns us on can be quite powerful.   I can just hear some whining about this exercise; “but David, it feels too contrived” or “it takes all the mystery or spontaneity out of sex.”  Au Contrare my little grasshoppers.
This is Part One of the exercise – to make explicit what we really need to get us going, what we crave that gets us hard as a rock or opens us up like a big bowl of jelly.  For me, it is a gentle sucking on the ears, a subtle combination of the sound (the ears can be very sensitive and for me very triggering) and the feeling of having that part of my body sucked on.
Every body is different and every man’s list will contain different items.   It is useful for us to see the list in front of us.  In fact, you can share this list with friends to compare and see if you may have forgotten things.  On the list can be positions, like reverse cowboy (my current favorite), toys (including slings – sling are toys too), clothes like jockstraps or harnesses, and anything else that gets you going.
Part Two
Next is the part where we have to get good at communicating what turns us on.  It is not about blurting out real quick (because we are embarrassed or ashamed) what we want because this has two parts to it also.  We have to be good at asking for what we want AND making it sexy enough that the other man will be compelled to carry it out for us.
I was at a party last week for Dore Alley (yeah, I’m old school and still call it by its old name) and a handsome man tried to have sex with me.  He really wanted me to fuck him badly however his asking needed some work. Grabbing my dick may have worked in my teens but it didn’t do much for me at a crowded party.  Don’t get me wrong – it felt good.  His “shorthand” wasn’t going to get his needs met.  What I needed was some eye contact and verbal exchange, making me less an object.  He could have said, “I really need to feel your big cock in my ass and I’ll do anything for you Sir,” or “dang you are one handsome fucker – how about we go to the next room and sniff each other?”  NOW THAT would have gotten my attention, especially considering the ratio of bottoms to tops in SF!!!!

This takes some skill and practice, I realize.  And there may be some awkward bumps n the road however keep it up and you will soon find that you are getting all that you want erotically.  And don’t be afraid to negotiate – a NO is not always a no.  Sometimes it is a maybe.

Then again, perhaps No may be your erotic trigger……

It’s all About the Execution

Let’s chat a bit about something that is very important to me – KISSING.  This is one of those make-or-break skills in dating and relationships – you either know how to do this or you do not.  Luckily, I had 8 years of playing the trumpet and cornet in grade school through high school, so plenty of time to develop what  is called embouchure, or the use of the facial muscles and shaping of the lips.  This is good!  It’s like hearing that your play partner is a former ballet dancer.  Oh freakin WOW!  Why this is IMPORTANT: This is the opening bid, the first chance you get to smell and taste your partner, experiencing him fully.  It is the prelude where technique will decide whether this will be 5 minutes or 5 hours.  For me, it can literally make or break the date.

There are many types of kissers out there, so let’s look at several types, but before we do, I want to tie it in with how we attach in general because I feel it is important to the understanding of how we become crappy or succulent kissers.  I suspect that how we kiss has everything to do with how we organize around attachment – are we more cautious in relationships or ready to move in on the first date? The lips are yet another way we connect or not, what Fritz Perls calls “standing at the contact boundary” and is related to intimacy bigtime.

The Cool Breeze Guy: “I fuck but I do not kiss.  Period.”  (I want my dick sucked real bad.  I’m not really gay but my sex partner is).

The Holland Tunnel Guy: “I approach my dates with a gaping open hole of a mouth kiss because I want to merge with them and I might as well start at the head and work my way down.”  Usually associated with lots of slobbery saliva.

The Velcro Guy: This guy kisses very soft and supple however you notice that his lips seems to stick as you are disengaging, as if he does not want to let go.  Voted most likely to move in on the first date and never leave.

The Man in the Iron Mask Guy: This type of kissing is more like bumping bone than surrendering into the embrace of fleshy lips.  I think of kissing Cornelius in the Planet of the Apes – all skull and bone and no……..anything.  Save it for your straight buddies at the gym or that Aunt with the mustache you can’t stand.

The Python Guy: This one has his tongue down your throat in 2 seconds flat, and will most likely be in your other orifices before you can catch your breath.  Works for me.  ————————>

The Mouth Breather: This guy might be a good kisser at first however the experience will be punctuated with a lot of breaks as he needs to breath and cannot do so with your lips in the way.  This one will also be marginal at head also, unless there is some kind of breathing apparatus like a snorkel used.

The Fuller Brush Guy: As you lean in on the approach you quickly realize that there needs to be 2 hands involved to move all of the extended mustache and beard hair out of the way.  Could be good as long as you don’t mind tasting some of last night’s dinner.  Again, could be good, especially if you’ve not eaten in awhile.

And finally……

The Conductor:  This guy kisses as if playing a finely tuned instrument, beginning very softly on the approach to build some passion using both breath and proximity to help build excitement, then moving from the prelude into the first act using the tongue sparingly, exploring the real estate but not cleaning your gums in the process. Next comes more forceful tongue action in addition to breathing together, creating a sort of altered state as you take in each other’s air.  Here you will most likely feel some gentle lip biting as they build into a crescendo of both licking and biting and kissing.  They had me on the approach.

So there you have it, the Guide to Gay Men and Kissing.  The best way to learn is to practice like hell, get out there and ask for feedback from others.  I’m sure there are plenty of men willing to give you a try.

Manscaping Downunder – The Twins

Let’s get to the real nuts of the matter – “The Boys” down there need some loving too.  This post is all about care and nurturing of our chestnuts, what feels good and how to accentuate what you got.  A while ago I did a massage exchange with a buddy, and to my surprise he asked if I wanted a shave – a nut sack shave!  He proceeded to wash my cock and balls with a warm towel and very carefully shaved my sack, taking his time to work up to the shaft and even getting down to the “taint” (as my good friend Scott says referring to the perineum, ‘taint the balls and ‘taint the asshole).  The finishing touch was not only another warm towel bath but his fingers stroking the freshly shaved and very sensitive sack skin.  I nearly came right off the table!!!!

Alan does some good work; in addition to lavishing attention to your low hangers he does full body manscaping, trimming down (and taming) unruly body hair, helping to accentuate a man’s natural physique.  You can call him at 510-436-3330 or drop him an email at alanoakley46@yahoo.com for an appointment.

As for play, I have always enjoyed a light tugging on my balls when receiving head from a guy, especially right at the point when they begin to ascend just before ejaculation.  This signals the end of the plateau phase and the beginning of the orgasm phase, breathing is heavier and the balls actually become engorged and slightly larger, same for the prostate.  I’ve had many guys slap my balls (No) or really pull hard (Ugh-ugh) or even twist them (WTF??).  This isn’t your new chew toy, buddy.  Be gentle here – we want to add just a little sensation to the already flooding cascade of sensations we are feeling in our whole body, not be overwhelmed by it.  UNLESS you’re a Ballplayer, the name for men that really enjoy heavy, and I mean heavy ball play, including nuts in vices (very cool clear lucite vices so you can see everything – yes, I’ve done this), tying them up with all manner of ropes and bungees (this, too), and even suspending the lower body by your nuts.   Check out Shotgun Videos for more info on Ballplayers.

Back in my bodybuilding days I would even tie iron weights to the ball sack using a ball stretcher with a D-ring attached, a thick leather cock ring of sorts for your balls.  It feels awesome wearing one, weights or not.  You can find one at Mr. S Leather or at The Stockroom.  Check it out and have some fun with your cajones – you’ll be glad you did.  

Ya better put a ring on it

Well, it has been awhile, I know.  The holidays have come and gone and hopefully it was quiet and relaxing for you all.  Garrison and I decided to exchanged rings this holiday as a symbol of our commitment to each other, and lately I’ve been thinking a lot about rings.  The kind we put on our fingers and the various ones put on our cocks.  Yes, COCK rings – or as I like to call them JEWELRY.

They come in many shapes and materials, all with the same idea and function, mostly, but I’ll get to the mostly part in a moment.  The idea here being to constrict and localize the blood flow to a specific area, our junk, making it more firm and prolonging our erections. Generally cock rings are worn for sex although some men like to wear them under clothing to make their cocks look bigger or more aroused.  I’ve tried out and worn many different types: rubber (found in the plumbing section of any hardware store), silicone (my personal fav as they stretch and give – easy put on, which is very important, and easy to get off even if you are still very erect and have to take a piss), leather, leather with studs (kind of like a pit bull collar), metal (like aluminum, steel, even platinum alloys) and the new types of cock rings (here being the “mostly” part).

These new types are both elegant in their form and function, made to be seen and used, like for example worn as you are strolling around Dore Alley showing off your mantool or your favorite backroom.  They become the “BLING” to draw attention to your piece, a modern day codpiece.  Some are even weighted, to give your tool more heft.  They can be found online at Mr. S in SF, the Castro for the silicone types which are actually harder to find, or for those on a budget Home Depot for under a dollar.

I’ve been using cock rings for years, since the late 70′s; if any of you are like me and enjoy a long distance-type marathon instead of a quick sprint, a good cock ring becomes an essential part of your tool box.  Dammit, somebody better put a ring on it!!!!

Attention! I salute you!!!

I wonder if any of you have seen the newest trend in lubrication out there?  Not just a new slicker type of johnson jelly, this is one product that actually works AND you can make it at home with the lube you already have.  A short while ago, sex researchers discovered that adding a product (an amino acid that our bodies produce) to the lube that already has natural nitric oxide producing effects (what Viagra does) can have mind-blowing hard-ons.  Yes, applied topically.  Trippy.  The ingredient is called L’arginine

I tried it this past weekend, Thursday evening, all day and night on Friday, and once more just to be absolutely sure on Saturday morning.  Any body-builder will have the stuff lying around the house – I found mine at Rainbow grocery in SF.  I emptied 6 750 mg. caps into a small jar of Elbow Grease and Wowee!  Check out Amazon (yes, Amazon for all your butt butter needs).

What was so unusual for this product is how the lube made my cock not only harder but more sensitive.  Some are even combining the vitamin (yes, it is classified as a vitamin) with menthol in the tip of condoms.  I’m loving where this is all going.  I also tried the lube tossing one off, just to make positively sure I could endorse this product, of course.  It’s my duty, nay, my obligation to all men out there that want better, longer play sessions with their men.  I’m happy to report that the product performed admirably, erectionally-speaking, even under long, sweaty hours of grueling play.  Dang, it’s been rough……

Go Piggie!!!

Dang, I’m backed up…..

Admittedly I’ve been a little behind on my postings to this blog as things get more complex in my private practice and I’m also noting my judgments around this, trying to stay present with them, perhaps even come to some form of acceptance of it all.  This picture had me thinking about behinds and anal health in general.  We rarely ever talk about it with friends AND it is usually one of the first things that come up when playing with a man.

I have used, or hear from my partners, comments like, “I hope I am clean down there,” or “am I okay?” or “I haven’t had time to clean out” or even “are you clean to the 2nd sphincter?” in between moans and gasps and licks.   I must admit that this last one I’d never heard – okay, yes, he was hung quite well and I suppose had every reason to ask THAT question.

Comments like these are polite, even gentlemanly, and are a part of the messiness of man to man contact.  Anal sex, in fact, is very much like life: it is supposed to be messy – that way we are forced to slow down some, to NOT take it (or the hot man you are with) for granted.

In Anatomy 101, I learned that we are one big old tube from the mouth to the anus with a lot of sinew and viscera surrounding it all.  I know, not very romantic, eh?  Our alimentary tract (the tube) has its own rhythm, a pulse and a flow to it.  This is why we usually have a “time” when we defecate, usually around 5-7am, however when we are stressed this rhythm gets out of whack.  It is times like these when a little help really HELPS.  Any drugstore will sell douche bulbs, usually around $10 or so.  This is meant for a light quick rinse and works very well.   In my humble opinion, it demonstrates manners to clean out before heavy sexual activity.  In addition, douche hoses you can fit on your faucet or attach to your shower head are inexpensive (from $20 to about $65) and can be found online or at any sex shop in the Castro.  These can take a little more skill than the bulb as you are dealing with water pressure here.  Remember, we are never doing a deep cleaning – that could take hours………….your man is waiting.

Hopefully after a few tries you will gain some skill in pulling this off, and a general comfort level with your anus, this typically disowned part of ourselves. Hey, it can’t be all bad – after all  it is a part of you.  So  maybe getting backed up isn’t so bad after all.  Maybe it is exactly where you need to be – minus the judgments.

UPDATE: You can find an excellent douche hose here and a bulb on this site (yeah, I know, Amazon??)

Suck, Don’t Blow……….

I’ve always been fascinated by jobs, especially the jobs we call “blow.”  We are not really blowing anything.  It’s all about opening wide – and it can be quite a job, particularly when faced with a huge monster rearing its head.  I always try to do my best, though.  That is precisely whey they call it practice.  I know some who should get a lifetime achievement award……..from this relentless soul I picked up the latest entry into the Tips Tricks and Techniques from the Edge.

The fascination, for me, is equally as exciting whether I am  standing with my hands planted on  a man’s ears, shoving my tool down their throat, or on my knees with both hands behind my back using my inner throat muscles to massage my man’s cock.  It’s an oral thing, to be filled up, satiated, complete – and don’t forget the sublime rapture (as Charles Nelson calls it in both his books Panthers in the Skins of Men and The Boy Who Picked the Bullets Up) of a big ol explosive load in your mouth or the sweet musky juices dripping down your throat.  Ahhhh.

So, here is an excellent way to turn your man into a mewling puppy.  I learned this technique back in the 70′s from a master cock sucker, a guy that really relished his avocation and it can be done with things you already have around the house.  This trick works best if your man is standing, but can be done in any position, as you want his nut sack to hang down low.  Warming them beforehand by blowing on them might be a good way to begin.  First, use some Vaseline or heavy ointment style lip goo and coat your lips with a thick layer – this makes the sliding back and forth smooth and effortless.  Next, take some corn starch in your left hand (if you’re right handed) and slowly begin lightly massaging the balls of your man.  I mean very lightly!  The combined sensations will drive your man into a frenzy.  Who knows you might even get the job.

Open Wide Baby!

So, more Tips Tricks and Techniques from the Edge.  This is one of my most favorite tricks to stimulate my partners, and especially when used with the “tasting” technique of a few posts back, can make your man wild.  Really the trick to being the “best” at head is in variation, and of course an open throat (more on that later….).  Try this technique: Go down on your favorite man tool all the way so that your lips are brushing up against his bush (while carefully wrapping your lips around your exposed teeth to protect the tender skin there), then open your mouth all the way so that your lips, tongue and the roof of your mouth are barely touching his piece and begin slow deep breathing.  The sensation of cool air and your hot mouth will likely drive your slab o man meat crazy with passion.

Hold me back please…….

Diving deeper into More Tips Tricks and Techniques from the Edge……….here’s one we did in class in January.  In ruminating about the subtle seduction of Glory Holes, I got to thinking about what it is that most surely brings about a Big O.  Someone, maybe even a few someones, are pleasuring us on the other side of the glory hole and we cannot control anything about the contact, besides (gasp!!!) pulling out.

Our body faces a hard wall, both solid and immovable, while our junk is getting softly caressed and stroked to an explosive end.  There is something seductive about being not in control, especially our own pleasure.  Secretly, I’ve always fantasized about having a hole in the massage table I use, about midway down so that when you are lying face down your goodies are hanging all loose and free below for anyone to explore while you are getting a deep tissue bodywork session.  Sigh!

Okay, so here’s the good part:  Have your favorite man whore kneel on the bed facing away from you while you position yourself kneeling behind him, perhaps even between his legs, with one arm (your non-dominant arm) reaching around holding him firmly to your chest.  Next, take your dominant hand and, reaching around to the front of your man, stroke off your partner.  His job is to be passive, to be taken, pleasured, abused.  And, depending on his size, you can even use the other hand to stroke his head, nips, or neck, while the other has a firm grip on his tool.

While this can and does also work if your cock is inside him, it is much more effective if you are providing total holding (what we call containment).  Your buddy’s load will be rich and explosive, all the more so if he can really let go.  An optional trick might be to pop in a butt plug into your buddy beforehand, using your hips to hold it securely in place while you stroke him from behind.   Hint: “Straight guys” love this because they can always say that it was done to them, it wasn’t their fault because they weren’t in control.  Whatever!