Getting Your Licks in

Sex is not a fatality; it’s a possibility for creative life. It’s not enough to affirm that we are gay but we must also create a gay life.” Michel Foucault

What does this mean?  A Gay Life?  I suspect it may mean that we are defined somewhat by our behaviors, like MSM (Men who have sex with Men) changed the way we looked epidemiologically at the spread of STD’s in the 90’s.  The idea is that we look to the behaviors and not the labeling, like gay, or fag or queer – these mere descriptors will not tell us much.  However when we look at what two men are actually doing together when the lights are off, this tells us much more about a creative life, our yearnings, even our lust for power or surrender.

By walking hand in hand on vacation with your BF (or FB for that matter) you are letting folks know that it is not safe to assume a binary approach to sexuality – that good sex comes in many shapes and sizes, and that to have a life defined by others is not a life.  We need to create a life worth living through our actions – defined by US.  Be adventurous, explore, try something new.  Then get good at it.  You’ll have em lined out the door.

Like Rimming.

This is one of those practices I thoroughly enjoy (I repeat ENJOY) getting and it is relatively safe under the right circumstances.  Before I get into that here are a few articles on the subject to check out, and while the Rimming 101 article is geared toward the “straight” community, it offers a number of aspects to think about before going down on your man.

Physiologically, there is an extraordinary aspect of rimming that you’ll notice once you get past the cultural squeamishness of having your rear licks tenderly (or wildly).  There is a direct energetic link to the jaw – midwives and doulas know this so they use pressure points in the mouth to induce relaxation in the pelvis for child birth.  You’ll quickly find that your whole body begins to soften and relax, especially as you get more into it.  This is why in porn vids you often find tops preparing their men for later insertion by relaxing their man with their mouth and tongue and spit first.

Rimming 101 is a good read, plus check out this video by Colt to get your motor running.

Aside from the usual tips and tricks listed in the article, there are a few guidelines I like to use:

-  Make sure your man is clean and fresh out of the shower, or better yet, jump the fuck in there with him, soap his hole to your satisfaction and teach him the real meaning of bi-lingual.

-  It is always fun to surprise your man in the pool or hot tub

-  In the sling, once you have your buddy face up and all relaxed, place your tongue (especially if you are squeamish about exploring his man hole) along the ridges of the perineum, the “taint” will have definite valleys on either side when he is hard, and use two very wet fingers to lightly explore his hole.  To him, it’ll feel as though your tongue is in his hole – he will not be able to feel the difference.

Finally, here is a photo blog from my favorite site, Tumblr about rimming.

So, never shy away from PDA’s with your man.  We are constructing a “creative life” one rimmed butt at a time.

Erotic Triggers – What turns you ON? (reprinted from the SE Newsletter)

Many of us men know by now what turns us on.  It may be an image of hairy forearms or pits, or a 5 o’clock shadow, someone sucking on your ears, or even licking your “taint.”  Sometimes though we do not acknowledge (admit to ourselves that we enjoy this large dick or that muscled chest) to ourselves or to others.
One way is to make it explicit, to take our erotic desires out of the shadows and into the light, is to write it all down.  You may find that just the act of writing down on paper what turns us on can be quite powerful.   I can just hear some whining about this exercise; “but David, it feels too contrived” or “it takes all the mystery or spontaneity out of sex.”  Au Contrare my little grasshoppers.
This is Part One of the exercise – to make explicit what we really need to get us going, what we crave that gets us hard as a rock or opens us up like a big bowl of jelly.  For me, it is a gentle sucking on the ears, a subtle combination of the sound (the ears can be very sensitive and for me very triggering) and the feeling of having that part of my body sucked on.
Every body is different and every man’s list will contain different items.   It is useful for us to see the list in front of us.  In fact, you can share this list with friends to compare and see if you may have forgotten things.  On the list can be positions, like reverse cowboy (my current favorite), toys (including slings – sling are toys too), clothes like jockstraps or harnesses, and anything else that gets you going.
Part Two
Next is the part where we have to get good at communicating what turns us on.  It is not about blurting out real quick (because we are embarrassed or ashamed) what we want because this has two parts to it also.  We have to be good at asking for what we want AND making it sexy enough that the other man will be compelled to carry it out for us.
I was at a party last week for Dore Alley (yeah, I’m old school and still call it by its old name) and a handsome man tried to have sex with me.  He really wanted me to fuck him badly however his asking needed some work. Grabbing my dick may have worked in my teens but it didn’t do much for me at a crowded party.  Don’t get me wrong – it felt good.  His “shorthand” wasn’t going to get his needs met.  What I needed was some eye contact and verbal exchange, making me less an object.  He could have said, “I really need to feel your big cock in my ass and I’ll do anything for you Sir,” or “dang you are one handsome fucker – how about we go to the next room and sniff each other?”  NOW THAT would have gotten my attention, especially considering the ratio of bottoms to tops in SF!!!!

This takes some skill and practice, I realize.  And there may be some awkward bumps n the road however keep it up and you will soon find that you are getting all that you want erotically.  And don’t be afraid to negotiate – a NO is not always a no.  Sometimes it is a maybe.

Then again, perhaps No may be your erotic trigger……

Realize your Potential

My spies tell me the this is the real deal, and after a few of these rumors I decided to ask Santa for a bottle to try it out, you know, for scientific purposes.  What I noticed is that “the little red pill” didn’t have some of the awful side effects common to other prescription pills on the market like the blue-ish haze in your vision or stuffy nose.   Check out Hotrod 5000 at Mr. S

You won’t feel as if you got stiffed – or hopefully you will.  Of course, the steel cock ring didn’t hurt either.

Whoo Hoo!  Go Piggie!

Go Ahead, Have a Good Long Look

Okay, I’ll admit.  I look.  Sometimes I look a lot.  We all do it (I’m comforted to think).  Sometimes we put ourselves in places where we can look at men’s packages, either clothed, semi-clothed or letting it all hang out, just to have that experience unhindered by disapproving eyes.  Gold’s Gym is a perfect place, especially if you are lucky to workout in SF, where men are more open to the act of viewing and being seen, admired and evaluated.

The first time I can remember the experience of checking men out was in the Boy Scouts, on a camping trip in Upper Michigan at the tender age of 14. This was at a time when male hormones were ramping up in my body; I was so jacked I could not sleep.  My cock seemed to be 10 times bigger than I’d ever seen or felt it before, even though at that time I did not yet know what to do with it. Although we were staying in rustic cabins the toilets were outside, an outhouse really with a long trough for pissing.  An older scout walked in while I stood outside with the door cracked.

He proceeded to pull out a sizable member and let it all go, while I stood transfixed at his size.  That image stayed with me all night as I rubbed myself on my sleeping bag liner.  I swear I only slept a few hours that night….sigh.  There were a few more experiences that long weekend with other scouts – this marked the beginning of my evaluative process, of comparing my equipment to other’s.

Like I wrote above, we ALL do it – we look, we stare, we use sideways glances to see how we measure up as men, what Fritz Perls calls standing at the contact boundary however in this case it is not emotionally but as MEN.  Our cocks are the ultimate male signifiers, instantly marking us as a single gender.  We use it to express our vulnerability, our power and even our rage.  Some might even say that we, as men, are obsessed with our cocks.  And, face it, it is the ultimate toy, one we were born with.

One of the challenges happen when, in the evaluating process, we perceive ourselves as less than.  Just as Tom Spanbauer writes in The Man Who Fell in Love with the Moon, I’ve seen big dicks and little one, skinny ones and fat ones, bare ones and hooded ones.  They are all good.  Every one can be fun given the right stimulation – I’ve never met a cock I didn’t like instantly.  And more importantly, big or little, measuring maleness by our cock size does not make us more of a man, only more of a dick.

My point here is to look, and keep on looking.  Don’t be embarrassed to see how other men are built.  If we lived in a naked society there would be less staring and more acceptance of who we are as men.  So, the next  time you are in a position to check out other men, don’t be shy about it.  Take a good long look, then give the guy a healthy nod.  We need more acceptance in this world, more men feeling good about who they are as men.

It is our DUTY and it’s good for us TOO!!!

Saves money. Saves time. Minimizes stress. Cures headaches. Hurts nobody. Angers the pope. Masturbate.

Manscaping Downunder – The Twins

Let’s get to the real nuts of the matter – “The Boys” down there need some loving too.  This post is all about care and nurturing of our chestnuts, what feels good and how to accentuate what you got.  A while ago I did a massage exchange with a buddy, and to my surprise he asked if I wanted a shave – a nut sack shave!  He proceeded to wash my cock and balls with a warm towel and very carefully shaved my sack, taking his time to work up to the shaft and even getting down to the “taint” (as my good friend Scott says referring to the perineum, ‘taint the balls and ‘taint the asshole).  The finishing touch was not only another warm towel bath but his fingers stroking the freshly shaved and very sensitive sack skin.  I nearly came right off the table!!!!

Alan does some good work; in addition to lavishing attention to your low hangers he does full body manscaping, trimming down (and taming) unruly body hair, helping to accentuate a man’s natural physique.  You can call him at 510-436-3330 or drop him an email at alanoakley46@yahoo.com for an appointment.

As for play, I have always enjoyed a light tugging on my balls when receiving head from a guy, especially right at the point when they begin to ascend just before ejaculation.  This signals the end of the plateau phase and the beginning of the orgasm phase, breathing is heavier and the balls actually become engorged and slightly larger, same for the prostate.  I’ve had many guys slap my balls (No) or really pull hard (Ugh-ugh) or even twist them (WTF??).  This isn’t your new chew toy, buddy.  Be gentle here – we want to add just a little sensation to the already flooding cascade of sensations we are feeling in our whole body, not be overwhelmed by it.  UNLESS you’re a Ballplayer, the name for men that really enjoy heavy, and I mean heavy ball play, including nuts in vices (very cool clear lucite vices so you can see everything – yes, I’ve done this), tying them up with all manner of ropes and bungees (this, too), and even suspending the lower body by your nuts.   Check out Shotgun Videos for more info on Ballplayers.

Back in my bodybuilding days I would even tie iron weights to the ball sack using a ball stretcher with a D-ring attached, a thick leather cock ring of sorts for your balls.  It feels awesome wearing one, weights or not.  You can find one at Mr. S Leather or at The Stockroom.  Check it out and have some fun with your cajones – you’ll be glad you did.  

The Man with Two Heads

I’ve been ruminating over why some men prefer strange over not so strange as their preferred erotic style. I’m using the “straight” identifier here, with strange being the titillation of having new sexual play partners in every encounter, and the not so strange being the more familiar, coming home to the same guy and the same cock and balls, and deepening into that play. Please know that I do not espouse any one view – it is only what is right for each man. My intention with this posting is to ask questions in the hopes that you will also ask them of yourselves: what it is that you do and how you do it?

Each choice holds both benefits and drawbacks. In defense of the “strange” position, men’s hearts may seek out something more permanent but their dicks have another story to tell. This is precisely why I do this exercise in workshops, having our dicks speak for us. If asked, what would yours tell you? Perhaps, sensation-wise, varying types of stimulation feel GOOD; no two hands, or mouths, or butts are the same. I love the infinite variation of men – sure we all have dicks and mouths however each one feels different, tastes different, and smells different. And that’s exciting. I could so be all over the discovery of a new sensation. Or maybe we are merely addicted to the flood of hormones coursing through our system when we do encounter “strange” like oxytocin, the “bonding” hormone.

Then there is the comfort of the familiar, the safety of what you know and not the uncertainty of what you do not know. Face it – sex is messy and can be awkward as hell. Sometimes things do not fit where they need to go in the ol in-holes and out-holes. And, I might insert here, that familiar does not mean boring. Far from it. I have learned never to underestimate what is familiar, as it can be very hot, especially if it is with a man you’ve experienced peak erotic moments with in the past. Going back there again and again can be much more easier/likely than not. Your brain already has the pathways set in place; it is not forging new pathways of uncertainty, it is reinforcing already worn grooves of your man-love grooving.

I hope these words help you to understand about your own erotic sensations and erotic habits, why you like what you like. When we can do that, we’ll be more able to erotically self-regulate. Yes, we men seem to have two heads MOST of the time. And the dick wants what the dick wants.

Ya better put a ring on it

Well, it has been awhile, I know.  The holidays have come and gone and hopefully it was quiet and relaxing for you all.  Garrison and I decided to exchanged rings this holiday as a symbol of our commitment to each other, and lately I’ve been thinking a lot about rings.  The kind we put on our fingers and the various ones put on our cocks.  Yes, COCK rings – or as I like to call them JEWELRY.

They come in many shapes and materials, all with the same idea and function, mostly, but I’ll get to the mostly part in a moment.  The idea here being to constrict and localize the blood flow to a specific area, our junk, making it more firm and prolonging our erections. Generally cock rings are worn for sex although some men like to wear them under clothing to make their cocks look bigger or more aroused.  I’ve tried out and worn many different types: rubber (found in the plumbing section of any hardware store), silicone (my personal fav as they stretch and give – easy put on, which is very important, and easy to get off even if you are still very erect and have to take a piss), leather, leather with studs (kind of like a pit bull collar), metal (like aluminum, steel, even platinum alloys) and the new types of cock rings (here being the “mostly” part).

These new types are both elegant in their form and function, made to be seen and used, like for example worn as you are strolling around Dore Alley showing off your mantool or your favorite backroom.  They become the “BLING” to draw attention to your piece, a modern day codpiece.  Some are even weighted, to give your tool more heft.  They can be found online at Mr. S in SF, the Castro for the silicone types which are actually harder to find, or for those on a budget Home Depot for under a dollar.

I’ve been using cock rings for years, since the late 70′s; if any of you are like me and enjoy a long distance-type marathon instead of a quick sprint, a good cock ring becomes an essential part of your tool box.  Dammit, somebody better put a ring on it!!!!

Attention! I salute you!!!

I wonder if any of you have seen the newest trend in lubrication out there?  Not just a new slicker type of johnson jelly, this is one product that actually works AND you can make it at home with the lube you already have.  A short while ago, sex researchers discovered that adding a product (an amino acid that our bodies produce) to the lube that already has natural nitric oxide producing effects (what Viagra does) can have mind-blowing hard-ons.  Yes, applied topically.  Trippy.  The ingredient is called L’arginine

I tried it this past weekend, Thursday evening, all day and night on Friday, and once more just to be absolutely sure on Saturday morning.  Any body-builder will have the stuff lying around the house – I found mine at Rainbow grocery in SF.  I emptied 6 750 mg. caps into a small jar of Elbow Grease and Wowee!  Check out Amazon (yes, Amazon for all your butt butter needs).

What was so unusual for this product is how the lube made my cock not only harder but more sensitive.  Some are even combining the vitamin (yes, it is classified as a vitamin) with menthol in the tip of condoms.  I’m loving where this is all going.  I also tried the lube tossing one off, just to make positively sure I could endorse this product, of course.  It’s my duty, nay, my obligation to all men out there that want better, longer play sessions with their men.  I’m happy to report that the product performed admirably, erectionally-speaking, even under long, sweaty hours of grueling play.  Dang, it’s been rough……

Go Piggie!!!

Transforming the Endgame

We know we have advanced into adulthood when sex is no longer about sexual activity but about erotic/affectionate energy.  Then the accent is not on a behavior that gives pleasure so much as on a loving force that shares it.

David Richo from the book When the Past is Present

This quote perfectly illustrates what I teach in the SE classes – that the main focus on our erotic play needs to shift.  In speaking with a potential client last week, I was struck by how much anxiety can be created in our minds, and our partners, around cumming.  Perhaps it is that one cannot maintain a hardon, or has a delayed ejaculation,  or gets hard slowly, or even that your buddy did but you didn’t.  There are many variations all concentrating on one single major event or goal.  Damn, that’s a lot of pressure.

Ease up guys.  Men need to change that, make erotic play more fun.  The way to do this is to take the endgame off the table - to create space so that sex isn’t about performance, a duality of either it’s good or bad sex, and make it more about play.  It’s a whole different way of thinking about sex with another man, less about proscribed movements that we saw in the latest steamy porn vid and more about having room for creativity and choices.  That way, no one has to “measure up” to some fantasized pornographic ideal of what a “hot” session should be.

I do not like to do anything that limits my choices.  I am the first one to rail against someone telling me I should do things only one way.  Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!  (Sorry Guys – that was one of my favorite obscure Charlton Heston references).  Ah, but I digress…….

For a lot of men it’s hard to imagine how to have sex that isn’t about “finishing.”  They have been having sex for years and doing it the same way, same for jacking off.  For me, good sex is where my legs are shaking and my whole body is vibrating not whether I’ve ejaculated load after load on his face or down his throat.  Energetically the feeling is exactly the same: spent, energized, heart open and sweaty – but with no cumming I do not feel drained of man energy.

And a little plug for this excellent book: David Richo, a psychotherapist in SF, explains about our projections and how they get in the way of a loving relationship.   It is about taking back our power so that we are more present in the present, not coming from some imagined past.  Check it out, guys.

So, please think about doing something different the next time you are getting sweaty with your man.  Think about changing the rules to make room for more play and less about the endgame.  You WILL discover something new about yourself in the process – that all that anxiety around sex has melted away.