Connecting Meaningfully

Do your Duty – It’s the LAW!

Okay guys – it’s that time again.  You know what to do.  After all, you’ve been doing it for years.  This time, do something different: switch hands, use a sleeve, try out a new kind of lube (butter works in a pinch, even soap if you’re a clean freak or love to do it in the shower), or better yet, have a buddy do it for you while you direct every move with lots of feedback.

Ready Set Goooooooooooooo…..

Erotic Triggers – What turns you ON? (reprinted from the SE Newsletter)

Many of us men know by now what turns us on.  It may be an image of hairy forearms or pits, or a 5 o’clock shadow, someone sucking on your ears, or even licking your “taint.”  Sometimes though we do not acknowledge (admit to ourselves that we enjoy this large dick or that muscled chest) to ourselves or to others.
One way is to make it explicit, to take our erotic desires out of the shadows and into the light, is to write it all down.  You may find that just the act of writing down on paper what turns us on can be quite powerful.   I can just hear some whining about this exercise; “but David, it feels too contrived” or “it takes all the mystery or spontaneity out of sex.”  Au Contrare my little grasshoppers.
This is Part One of the exercise – to make explicit what we really need to get us going, what we crave that gets us hard as a rock or opens us up like a big bowl of jelly.  For me, it is a gentle sucking on the ears, a subtle combination of the sound (the ears can be very sensitive and for me very triggering) and the feeling of having that part of my body sucked on.
Every body is different and every man’s list will contain different items.   It is useful for us to see the list in front of us.  In fact, you can share this list with friends to compare and see if you may have forgotten things.  On the list can be positions, like reverse cowboy (my current favorite), toys (including slings – sling are toys too), clothes like jockstraps or harnesses, and anything else that gets you going.
Part Two
Next is the part where we have to get good at communicating what turns us on.  It is not about blurting out real quick (because we are embarrassed or ashamed) what we want because this has two parts to it also.  We have to be good at asking for what we want AND making it sexy enough that the other man will be compelled to carry it out for us.
I was at a party last week for Dore Alley (yeah, I’m old school and still call it by its old name) and a handsome man tried to have sex with me.  He really wanted me to fuck him badly however his asking needed some work. Grabbing my dick may have worked in my teens but it didn’t do much for me at a crowded party.  Don’t get me wrong – it felt good.  His “shorthand” wasn’t going to get his needs met.  What I needed was some eye contact and verbal exchange, making me less an object.  He could have said, “I really need to feel your big cock in my ass and I’ll do anything for you Sir,” or “dang you are one handsome fucker – how about we go to the next room and sniff each other?”  NOW THAT would have gotten my attention, especially considering the ratio of bottoms to tops in SF!!!!

This takes some skill and practice, I realize.  And there may be some awkward bumps n the road however keep it up and you will soon find that you are getting all that you want erotically.  And don’t be afraid to negotiate – a NO is not always a no.  Sometimes it is a maybe.

Then again, perhaps No may be your erotic trigger……

Baby it’s cold outside

Ah, the Winter months, a time to say “screw it” and stay warm in bed just a little longer, to hunker down and watch all those cheese-tastic movies on TV you’ve been putting off.  Thankfully the Xmas-themed movies are over for another year.  Now we have the always laughable hot steaming mess that is the Republican caucuses for our viewing pleasure, providing us with unending moments of contradictions.  One current movie that, for me, defines the state of politics in this country, especially the Republican Party, is Outrage [2009].  Yes, I must admit, it has that Movie-of-the-week feel to it at times however it remains an indictment of the hypocrisy, even a call to arms for us gay men to look deeper at who exactly is voting for and, more importantly, against important human rights legislation in this country.  Check it out when you can – the subject matter will change your thinking of what you are seeing on the TV.

It’s Here Again. Oh Yeah.

MEN – well, it is time again for the Fall Mens Festival up at Wildwood in the Russian River.  If you’ve never been it is like summer camp for gay guys filled with sun, swimming, hot tubbing and all the nakedness you’d like.  I’ll be teaching again, naked yoga bright and early for all you morning men.  There will be tons of activities including a gong meditation that HAS to be felt to be appreciated, nude body splatter painting, erotic massage, hiking, a drumming circle and much more.

In addition, the chefs cook up some sumptuous meals to keep you fat and happy.  Give a call or check out the website for more details.

It’s all about the good stuff

Mitsugi Saotome

“If you were all alone in the universe with no one to talk to, no one with which to share the beauty of the stars, to laugh with, to touch, what would be your purpose in life?  It is other life, it is love, which gives your life meaning.  This is harmony.  We must discover the joy of each other, the joy of challenge, the joy of growth.”

I love this quote, reminding me of a conversation last night with a client.  We were talking about how some men collect things: cars, men, clothes, knowledge, sex, houses (not homes) “Friends” as in Facebook Friends, or Twitter pals – and never thinking deeper on what they are collecting.  Popularity?  Comfort?  Acknowledgment or validation?  In the end what do they have?  I’ve been saying for years that IT is all about the relationships.  Life.  The Reason We Are Here.

It’s funny because we get bombarded constantly with messages to the contrary: that we will be much more fulfilled if we had that car (or truck or SUV), or that man, that we would get that man if we had that body or those muscles or that large cock.  All of those things are fine and good, actually can be quite fun for a bit – however in the end what are you left with?  The longing for something more.  It may  not be felt right off, it may even take some years before this yearning kicks in – but it will eventually.

One way that I keep myself in check is to practice what David Richo talks about in his book How to be an Adult in Relationships: Appreciation!  Daily I tell my guy that I appreciate him – I also do this with my friends, doctors and just about anyone I come in contact with, including clients.  This lets folks know that I am not taking them for granted and really do appreciate them being in my life.  In fact, this lets them know that each and every contact, each moment is precious – because it is!  Most men have to lose everything to learn this valuable lesson.  Don’t be one of them or you may end up in a Learning Channel TV show.

Summer movies on the beach

Okay, this post is a long time coming as I am a big ol movie nut.  I am fascinated by how our culture is represented through images (also a big Tumblr Addict), and how age-old dramas are played out – despite a contemporary twist.  Here are some of my all time favorites, most having to do with Pride, or Piggie Sex, and Tantra.

Good Dick [2008] tells the story of a lonely damaged young girl and a needy porn video clerk.   Tom Arnold is absolutely evil……

Inlaws and Outlaws [2010] This film is not just about Gay Marriage, more about the commonalities of coming together with anyone.  They interview both gay and straight couples, and after awhile into the movie it becomes clear that the struggles of living and loving and dying are common to all couples.

Bliss [1997] This movie, while having a cheesy made for TV feel to it, really does come through in that it shows Tantra in action.  Check out the review here on it.

Big Eden [2000] I’m always surprised that more do not know about this little gem of a movie.  This movie is about pride and love and acceptance in a small town in Montana.

The Ritz [1976] This is one of my all time favorite films if you want big laughs.  It is hard to find and worth the wait, set in a bath house in NY starring Jack Weston, Rita Moreno and Jack Stiller.

Dream Boy [2008]  I rarely if ever watch coming out stories as they tend to focus on the excruciating dramas of pain and misery however this one is quite touching, may even make you cry.

The Kids in the Hall – Death Comes to Town [2008]  You may remember their over the top sketches from the 70 and 80′s – these Canadian cross-dressing comedians are twisted.

Well, there you have it kiddies, all the videos to keep you amazed and annoyed throughout the summer months.  Go Piggie!

For Your Summer Reading ….

Yeah, it’s that time to get your butt out to the beach, laze around on the deck sunning your body, and take some much deserved time off.  So, as chill time abounds, here is the Summer reading list of some of my favorite books.

Just in time for Pride Month – The Soul Beneath the Skin by David Nimmons.  This book is simply about Pride, a sociological look at how gay people actually function in our world, our PLACE in it.  It is about “feeling good” to be gay, a direct antidote to shame.  A quote: “Maybe our key difference doesn’t lie in our erotic after all.  What if it’s just our opening act, a way of learning what we can do together?  What if all that sex – that lovely, magnificent, sticky, daring, tender, piggy, bold, sweated sex – is just a dry run for the glorious trouble we can make when we put our will to it?”

Another quote I particularly like from the book, quoting Andrew Ramer: “Gay men pass on a special knowledge and wisdom through sex.  There is a whole story we tell through the sex we have.  I see it as a physical activity which represents the common consciousness.”

Please, please pick up this wonderful book, if you want to feel joy and yes, pride in who we are as gay men.  

The next book on the list is a tough read, I know however, it is essential to our growth as men.  I recommend this book, Coming out of Shame by Gershen Kaufman and Lev Raphael, to all of my psychotherapy clients.   One of the reasons it is such a tough read is that the authors, two PhD’s in relationship, delve into how shame evolves (shame theory), based on the ground-breaking work of Sylvan Tomkins.   You will discover how shame is formed and may even get a creepy feeling like I did that it is much more pervasive than I’d thought in our culture.

Then around page 148 comes learning how to address shame, how to recognize and yes, even transform it.  The authors call shame a sickness of the soul. I was blown away when reading it.  A challenge might be that men tend feel shame just reading it – most likely you will see yourself while reading it.  Chapter Three is entitled From Gay Shame to Gay Pride!  YES!

So, feel the Pride this month, get out when you can and be the PIGGIE you were meant to be!  We owe it to everyone out there.  Well, maybe only the sexy ones.

New and Improved – OUCH!

Some of you men may have noticed that the new re-edited trailer was uploaded a week ago on this site (see the DVD page).  This was in an effort to shorten it and to take out the nudity, making it more palatable content (or so I thought) for uploading to You Tube and Vimeo, several video sharing sites with a wide mass appeal.  The trailer was rejected from both sites for objectionable material!!!!  WTF!  My voiceover is the only erotic component of the film and still someone found this offensive, leading me to question the mindset of the general public (not the first time I’ve done this).

So many men are ashamed of their bodies, and sex in general, especially with another man.  Sensory Energetic work is all about helping men discover erotic states of pleasuring with another man – with their cocks and their hearts.   I remain committed to presenting this valuable work despite this minor set back.  Get the word out – Go Piggie!

It’s all About the Execution

Let’s chat a bit about something that is very important to me – KISSING.  This is one of those make-or-break skills in dating and relationships – you either know how to do this or you do not.  Luckily, I had 8 years of playing the trumpet and cornet in grade school through high school, so plenty of time to develop what  is called embouchure, or the use of the facial muscles and shaping of the lips.  This is good!  It’s like hearing that your play partner is a former ballet dancer.  Oh freakin WOW!  Why this is IMPORTANT: This is the opening bid, the first chance you get to smell and taste your partner, experiencing him fully.  It is the prelude where technique will decide whether this will be 5 minutes or 5 hours.  For me, it can literally make or break the date.

There are many types of kissers out there, so let’s look at several types, but before we do, I want to tie it in with how we attach in general because I feel it is important to the understanding of how we become crappy or succulent kissers.  I suspect that how we kiss has everything to do with how we organize around attachment – are we more cautious in relationships or ready to move in on the first date? The lips are yet another way we connect or not, what Fritz Perls calls “standing at the contact boundary” and is related to intimacy bigtime.

The Cool Breeze Guy: “I fuck but I do not kiss.  Period.”  (I want my dick sucked real bad.  I’m not really gay but my sex partner is).

The Holland Tunnel Guy: “I approach my dates with a gaping open hole of a mouth kiss because I want to merge with them and I might as well start at the head and work my way down.”  Usually associated with lots of slobbery saliva.

The Velcro Guy: This guy kisses very soft and supple however you notice that his lips seems to stick as you are disengaging, as if he does not want to let go.  Voted most likely to move in on the first date and never leave.

The Man in the Iron Mask Guy: This type of kissing is more like bumping bone than surrendering into the embrace of fleshy lips.  I think of kissing Cornelius in the Planet of the Apes – all skull and bone and no……..anything.  Save it for your straight buddies at the gym or that Aunt with the mustache you can’t stand.

The Python Guy: This one has his tongue down your throat in 2 seconds flat, and will most likely be in your other orifices before you can catch your breath.  Works for me.  ————————>

The Mouth Breather: This guy might be a good kisser at first however the experience will be punctuated with a lot of breaks as he needs to breath and cannot do so with your lips in the way.  This one will also be marginal at head also, unless there is some kind of breathing apparatus like a snorkel used.

The Fuller Brush Guy: As you lean in on the approach you quickly realize that there needs to be 2 hands involved to move all of the extended mustache and beard hair out of the way.  Could be good as long as you don’t mind tasting some of last night’s dinner.  Again, could be good, especially if you’ve not eaten in awhile.

And finally……

The Conductor:  This guy kisses as if playing a finely tuned instrument, beginning very softly on the approach to build some passion using both breath and proximity to help build excitement, then moving from the prelude into the first act using the tongue sparingly, exploring the real estate but not cleaning your gums in the process. Next comes more forceful tongue action in addition to breathing together, creating a sort of altered state as you take in each other’s air.  Here you will most likely feel some gentle lip biting as they build into a crescendo of both licking and biting and kissing.  They had me on the approach.

So there you have it, the Guide to Gay Men and Kissing.  The best way to learn is to practice like hell, get out there and ask for feedback from others.  I’m sure there are plenty of men willing to give you a try.

Well, I know it’s been awhile….

Hello MEN

Happy 2011 – it’s been THAT long since I posted anything. I took a good long break from SE work, although still did private sessions with men, went to PV and joined the big Beef Dip party down there (they plan on posting the official 2011 Beef Dip pics when their hangover subsides, sometime in March). The pic to the left is a view from the beachfront condo at sunset. Mexico was typical funky with sidewalks that end abruptly after 4 feet, dip down a foot for a few yards then up again a foot (sheer HELL if you’ve been drinking – it was just awful….), wires strung haphazardly everywhere, yet so much life!!!! I just love how festive it is there. Garrison and I were called the “honeymooners” everywhere we went because we held hands. Perhaps this display is unusual for most folks but what the hell. We felt very accepted wherever we went with no negative comments, save one by an older American expatriate near the end of the week we stayed. Figures, eh?

I am pleased to report that we experienced no homophobia by the locals. Perhaps it is because they know where their bread is buttered. So, more about the Beef Dip. We were lucky enough to have a big Bear party going on while there so we just joined in when we could. The pic on the right is us on the Bear Booze Cruise, 200+ guys dancing and cavorting (yes, I do cavort occasionally), and otherwise carrying on both on deck and in the water.

Next was the Aus Jus party at the Abbey Hotel, complete with dancing and a swimwear auction, shown off by beary hunks. All in all, it was a fun time to get away from all the Winter rains and experience some fine Mexican foods, wander aimlessly (besides cavorting, I do wander from time to time), and check out the local men.

Here’s a pic of the swimwear auction, a basket shot for you size queens out there (you just KNOW who you are). Now, it is back to Oakland, planning the next day long SE workshop on April 30th from 9-5pm at the Heartwalker Studio. This will include additional new material and more time to deepen into how we function as erotic men. My Trauma studies continue as do my MFT hours so all is good here.

Garrison and I are busy each free day we have looking at homes to buy in the East Bay. More on that later, as is a formal invite for the next SE workshop, and more content on sex-positive expressions of eroticism for men. Stay Tuned………….