Body and Breath

Getting a buzz on……..

Erotic Self Regulation Part 2…..
“Sexual energy is a sacred, vital, and intimate energy that connects us to someone else in a very special way. Sexual energy flows through everything that is alive.” Julie Tallard Johnson

I have an older client that is going through a second adolescence because of the bodywork we are doing on the table; I swear he is younger than me sometimes, so full of joy and delight at what he is discovering about his body. One characteristic that is coming out of this work is a spontaneous movement routine he has adopted first thing in the morning as a way to wake up his body. It’s really quite simple – he rolls out of bed, reclines on the floor and begins moving from the inside in whatever way feels different.

I do not mean in a splitting, good versus bad duality, more in a way that is new and fresh, lead by a sense of curiosity. Sure, many men run on a treadmill in the morning or do proscribed Tai Chi movements and that can be very good however I sense that something is missing in this kind of exercise. He has a mindset from the beginning of wondering….what happens if I stretch my arm in this way or bring my hip over my ear? It is a “not knowing” what will happen or where he will end up that he finds so exhilarating. And from this simple exercise each morning he reports finding new energy that he never knew he had. As many of you already know, I am all about discovery; it is precisely our routines that make us old. Feeling our full masculine erotic energy is really about un-learning, about breaking our routines of what we think is good for us, becoming mindful with our bodies and being curious, really listening. Give this a try for a few mornings and I guarantee you WILL be feeling it!

Go Ahead, Have a Good Long Look

Okay, I’ll admit.  I look.  Sometimes I look a lot.  We all do it (I’m comforted to think).  Sometimes we put ourselves in places where we can look at men’s packages, either clothed, semi-clothed or letting it all hang out, just to have that experience unhindered by disapproving eyes.  Gold’s Gym is a perfect place, especially if you are lucky to workout in SF, where men are more open to the act of viewing and being seen, admired and evaluated.

The first time I can remember the experience of checking men out was in the Boy Scouts, on a camping trip in Upper Michigan at the tender age of 14. This was at a time when male hormones were ramping up in my body; I was so jacked I could not sleep.  My cock seemed to be 10 times bigger than I’d ever seen or felt it before, even though at that time I did not yet know what to do with it. Although we were staying in rustic cabins the toilets were outside, an outhouse really with a long trough for pissing.  An older scout walked in while I stood outside with the door cracked.

He proceeded to pull out a sizable member and let it all go, while I stood transfixed at his size.  That image stayed with me all night as I rubbed myself on my sleeping bag liner.  I swear I only slept a few hours that night….sigh.  There were a few more experiences that long weekend with other scouts – this marked the beginning of my evaluative process, of comparing my equipment to other’s.

Like I wrote above, we ALL do it – we look, we stare, we use sideways glances to see how we measure up as men, what Fritz Perls calls standing at the contact boundary however in this case it is not emotionally but as MEN.  Our cocks are the ultimate male signifiers, instantly marking us as a single gender.  We use it to express our vulnerability, our power and even our rage.  Some might even say that we, as men, are obsessed with our cocks.  And, face it, it is the ultimate toy, one we were born with.

One of the challenges happen when, in the evaluating process, we perceive ourselves as less than.  Just as Tom Spanbauer writes in The Man Who Fell in Love with the Moon, I’ve seen big dicks and little one, skinny ones and fat ones, bare ones and hooded ones.  They are all good.  Every one can be fun given the right stimulation – I’ve never met a cock I didn’t like instantly.  And more importantly, big or little, measuring maleness by our cock size does not make us more of a man, only more of a dick.

My point here is to look, and keep on looking.  Don’t be embarrassed to see how other men are built.  If we lived in a naked society there would be less staring and more acceptance of who we are as men.  So, the next  time you are in a position to check out other men, don’t be shy about it.  Take a good long look, then give the guy a healthy nod.  We need more acceptance in this world, more men feeling good about who they are as men.

It’s all About the Execution

Let’s chat a bit about something that is very important to me – KISSING.  This is one of those make-or-break skills in dating and relationships – you either know how to do this or you do not.  Luckily, I had 8 years of playing the trumpet and cornet in grade school through high school, so plenty of time to develop what  is called embouchure, or the use of the facial muscles and shaping of the lips.  This is good!  It’s like hearing that your play partner is a former ballet dancer.  Oh freakin WOW!  Why this is IMPORTANT: This is the opening bid, the first chance you get to smell and taste your partner, experiencing him fully.  It is the prelude where technique will decide whether this will be 5 minutes or 5 hours.  For me, it can literally make or break the date.

There are many types of kissers out there, so let’s look at several types, but before we do, I want to tie it in with how we attach in general because I feel it is important to the understanding of how we become crappy or succulent kissers.  I suspect that how we kiss has everything to do with how we organize around attachment – are we more cautious in relationships or ready to move in on the first date? The lips are yet another way we connect or not, what Fritz Perls calls “standing at the contact boundary” and is related to intimacy bigtime.

The Cool Breeze Guy: “I fuck but I do not kiss.  Period.”  (I want my dick sucked real bad.  I’m not really gay but my sex partner is).

The Holland Tunnel Guy: “I approach my dates with a gaping open hole of a mouth kiss because I want to merge with them and I might as well start at the head and work my way down.”  Usually associated with lots of slobbery saliva.

The Velcro Guy: This guy kisses very soft and supple however you notice that his lips seems to stick as you are disengaging, as if he does not want to let go.  Voted most likely to move in on the first date and never leave.

The Man in the Iron Mask Guy: This type of kissing is more like bumping bone than surrendering into the embrace of fleshy lips.  I think of kissing Cornelius in the Planet of the Apes – all skull and bone and no……..anything.  Save it for your straight buddies at the gym or that Aunt with the mustache you can’t stand.

The Python Guy: This one has his tongue down your throat in 2 seconds flat, and will most likely be in your other orifices before you can catch your breath.  Works for me.  ————————>

The Mouth Breather: This guy might be a good kisser at first however the experience will be punctuated with a lot of breaks as he needs to breath and cannot do so with your lips in the way.  This one will also be marginal at head also, unless there is some kind of breathing apparatus like a snorkel used.

The Fuller Brush Guy: As you lean in on the approach you quickly realize that there needs to be 2 hands involved to move all of the extended mustache and beard hair out of the way.  Could be good as long as you don’t mind tasting some of last night’s dinner.  Again, could be good, especially if you’ve not eaten in awhile.

And finally……

The Conductor:  This guy kisses as if playing a finely tuned instrument, beginning very softly on the approach to build some passion using both breath and proximity to help build excitement, then moving from the prelude into the first act using the tongue sparingly, exploring the real estate but not cleaning your gums in the process. Next comes more forceful tongue action in addition to breathing together, creating a sort of altered state as you take in each other’s air.  Here you will most likely feel some gentle lip biting as they build into a crescendo of both licking and biting and kissing.  They had me on the approach.

So there you have it, the Guide to Gay Men and Kissing.  The best way to learn is to practice like hell, get out there and ask for feedback from others.  I’m sure there are plenty of men willing to give you a try.

Manscaping Downunder – The Twins

Let’s get to the real nuts of the matter – “The Boys” down there need some loving too.  This post is all about care and nurturing of our chestnuts, what feels good and how to accentuate what you got.  A while ago I did a massage exchange with a buddy, and to my surprise he asked if I wanted a shave – a nut sack shave!  He proceeded to wash my cock and balls with a warm towel and very carefully shaved my sack, taking his time to work up to the shaft and even getting down to the “taint” (as my good friend Scott says referring to the perineum, ‘taint the balls and ‘taint the asshole).  The finishing touch was not only another warm towel bath but his fingers stroking the freshly shaved and very sensitive sack skin.  I nearly came right off the table!!!!

Alan does some good work; in addition to lavishing attention to your low hangers he does full body manscaping, trimming down (and taming) unruly body hair, helping to accentuate a man’s natural physique.  You can call him at 510-436-3330 or drop him an email at alanoakley46@yahoo.com for an appointment.

As for play, I have always enjoyed a light tugging on my balls when receiving head from a guy, especially right at the point when they begin to ascend just before ejaculation.  This signals the end of the plateau phase and the beginning of the orgasm phase, breathing is heavier and the balls actually become engorged and slightly larger, same for the prostate.  I’ve had many guys slap my balls (No) or really pull hard (Ugh-ugh) or even twist them (WTF??).  This isn’t your new chew toy, buddy.  Be gentle here – we want to add just a little sensation to the already flooding cascade of sensations we are feeling in our whole body, not be overwhelmed by it.  UNLESS you’re a Ballplayer, the name for men that really enjoy heavy, and I mean heavy ball play, including nuts in vices (very cool clear lucite vices so you can see everything – yes, I’ve done this), tying them up with all manner of ropes and bungees (this, too), and even suspending the lower body by your nuts.   Check out Shotgun Videos for more info on Ballplayers.

Back in my bodybuilding days I would even tie iron weights to the ball sack using a ball stretcher with a D-ring attached, a thick leather cock ring of sorts for your balls.  It feels awesome wearing one, weights or not.  You can find one at Mr. S Leather or at The Stockroom.  Check it out and have some fun with your cajones – you’ll be glad you did.  

It’s all in the energy

A client asked me about something I was doing the other day during a bodywork session, and I’m afraid I wasn’t able to answer very well. Lately, especially in this past year, I’ve been much more in my intuitive self, sensing into events and encounters than ever before. The upside is that I am more available and present with clients – the downside is that I’m not able to access the prefrontal cortex, the thinking, evaluating part of my brain. The move I was doing with my client consisted of pressing on his belly to help expand the chest cavity beyond its usual range. It is one that I’ve had some success with in getting the muscular holding to release in a client’s chest, usually in regards to stored grief. The point here is that it is a move I practice without really thinking about it – more feeling into it.

So, here’s the thinking part: when we have an unprocessed emotion our bodies support the choice to hold onto it, and will develop muscular patterns to support that choice. The same thing happens when we work out a certain way, like a ballet dancer. The musculature supports the choices, and elegantly I might add. So, in the case of working with my client I was using energy to move and shift energy. I’ve noticed some men need to have an equal amount of energy to help them let go of what they are holding on to. I call this the Energy Equivalency Theory – that we need an equal or greater amount of energy to shift us and our typical muscular and emotional holding. Ask any Dom what their clients do for a living, whether straight or gay and they will tell you the same thing. They are lawyers and judges – men in positions of power needing a release from that muscular and emotional holding. In addition, that is really what massage is all about: changing our patterned ways of moving through the world, including the patterned ways we hold onto our emotions.

Another example is how some people need drama in their lives. They create, whether consciously or unconsciously, emotional upheaval to mirror what they are feeling inside. All the world IS in fact a stage (thanks, Bill). I see this phenomenon on the table, where I first became aware that something more was going on: I’d have clients that kept asking for more pressure and more pressure, and even when it was all I could give they were asking for more. This was a clue to me that some other dynamic was happening. The outcome was always either one of two polarities – the first that they would leave wanting more, unsatisfied, and the second that I would be successful in helping them to feel a force greater than the force they were using to hold down the emotions and catharsis would unfold. The greater the energy used to hold down the emotion the greater the release.

Let me be clear here – I am not a big fan of catharsis. Things do not have to be this way, big and dramatic. Perhaps it is how we, as men, are taught to process our emotions. Or Freud’s thesis in Civilization and its Discontents – he writes that we are faced with need frustrations almost every moment of every day and we have to deal with it/respond to it by using a significant amount of energy, dampening down our vital impulses in the process.

I am however, a big fan of Systems Theory, of watching how our available energy is spent from moment to moment, of being especially mindful of how our systems use energy expanding and contracting relationally. If there is one single message to take away, it is to be mindful of how you use/expend energy, to notice how you express yourself and wonder about it all, to disconnect from the emotional drama of our lives and drop into curiosity. After all, it is just energy.

The Man with Two Heads

I’ve been ruminating over why some men prefer strange over not so strange as their preferred erotic style. I’m using the “straight” identifier here, with strange being the titillation of having new sexual play partners in every encounter, and the not so strange being the more familiar, coming home to the same guy and the same cock and balls, and deepening into that play. Please know that I do not espouse any one view – it is only what is right for each man. My intention with this posting is to ask questions in the hopes that you will also ask them of yourselves: what it is that you do and how you do it?

Each choice holds both benefits and drawbacks. In defense of the “strange” position, men’s hearts may seek out something more permanent but their dicks have another story to tell. This is precisely why I do this exercise in workshops, having our dicks speak for us. If asked, what would yours tell you? Perhaps, sensation-wise, varying types of stimulation feel GOOD; no two hands, or mouths, or butts are the same. I love the infinite variation of men – sure we all have dicks and mouths however each one feels different, tastes different, and smells different. And that’s exciting. I could so be all over the discovery of a new sensation. Or maybe we are merely addicted to the flood of hormones coursing through our system when we do encounter “strange” like oxytocin, the “bonding” hormone.

Then there is the comfort of the familiar, the safety of what you know and not the uncertainty of what you do not know. Face it – sex is messy and can be awkward as hell. Sometimes things do not fit where they need to go in the ol in-holes and out-holes. And, I might insert here, that familiar does not mean boring. Far from it. I have learned never to underestimate what is familiar, as it can be very hot, especially if it is with a man you’ve experienced peak erotic moments with in the past. Going back there again and again can be much more easier/likely than not. Your brain already has the pathways set in place; it is not forging new pathways of uncertainty, it is reinforcing already worn grooves of your man-love grooving.

I hope these words help you to understand about your own erotic sensations and erotic habits, why you like what you like. When we can do that, we’ll be more able to erotically self-regulate. Yes, we men seem to have two heads MOST of the time. And the dick wants what the dick wants.

Transforming the Endgame

We know we have advanced into adulthood when sex is no longer about sexual activity but about erotic/affectionate energy.  Then the accent is not on a behavior that gives pleasure so much as on a loving force that shares it.

David Richo from the book When the Past is Present

This quote perfectly illustrates what I teach in the SE classes – that the main focus on our erotic play needs to shift.  In speaking with a potential client last week, I was struck by how much anxiety can be created in our minds, and our partners, around cumming.  Perhaps it is that one cannot maintain a hardon, or has a delayed ejaculation,  or gets hard slowly, or even that your buddy did but you didn’t.  There are many variations all concentrating on one single major event or goal.  Damn, that’s a lot of pressure.

Ease up guys.  Men need to change that, make erotic play more fun.  The way to do this is to take the endgame off the table - to create space so that sex isn’t about performance, a duality of either it’s good or bad sex, and make it more about play.  It’s a whole different way of thinking about sex with another man, less about proscribed movements that we saw in the latest steamy porn vid and more about having room for creativity and choices.  That way, no one has to “measure up” to some fantasized pornographic ideal of what a “hot” session should be.

I do not like to do anything that limits my choices.  I am the first one to rail against someone telling me I should do things only one way.  Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!  (Sorry Guys – that was one of my favorite obscure Charlton Heston references).  Ah, but I digress…….

For a lot of men it’s hard to imagine how to have sex that isn’t about “finishing.”  They have been having sex for years and doing it the same way, same for jacking off.  For me, good sex is where my legs are shaking and my whole body is vibrating not whether I’ve ejaculated load after load on his face or down his throat.  Energetically the feeling is exactly the same: spent, energized, heart open and sweaty – but with no cumming I do not feel drained of man energy.

And a little plug for this excellent book: David Richo, a psychotherapist in SF, explains about our projections and how they get in the way of a loving relationship.   It is about taking back our power so that we are more present in the present, not coming from some imagined past.  Check it out, guys.

So, please think about doing something different the next time you are getting sweaty with your man.  Think about changing the rules to make room for more play and less about the endgame.  You WILL discover something new about yourself in the process – that all that anxiety around sex has melted away.

Dang, I’m backed up…..

Admittedly I’ve been a little behind on my postings to this blog as things get more complex in my private practice and I’m also noting my judgments around this, trying to stay present with them, perhaps even come to some form of acceptance of it all.  This picture had me thinking about behinds and anal health in general.  We rarely ever talk about it with friends AND it is usually one of the first things that come up when playing with a man.

I have used, or hear from my partners, comments like, “I hope I am clean down there,” or “am I okay?” or “I haven’t had time to clean out” or even “are you clean to the 2nd sphincter?” in between moans and gasps and licks.   I must admit that this last one I’d never heard – okay, yes, he was hung quite well and I suppose had every reason to ask THAT question.

Comments like these are polite, even gentlemanly, and are a part of the messiness of man to man contact.  Anal sex, in fact, is very much like life: it is supposed to be messy – that way we are forced to slow down some, to NOT take it (or the hot man you are with) for granted.

In Anatomy 101, I learned that we are one big old tube from the mouth to the anus with a lot of sinew and viscera surrounding it all.  I know, not very romantic, eh?  Our alimentary tract (the tube) has its own rhythm, a pulse and a flow to it.  This is why we usually have a “time” when we defecate, usually around 5-7am, however when we are stressed this rhythm gets out of whack.  It is times like these when a little help really HELPS.  Any drugstore will sell douche bulbs, usually around $10 or so.  This is meant for a light quick rinse and works very well.   In my humble opinion, it demonstrates manners to clean out before heavy sexual activity.  In addition, douche hoses you can fit on your faucet or attach to your shower head are inexpensive (from $20 to about $65) and can be found online or at any sex shop in the Castro.  These can take a little more skill than the bulb as you are dealing with water pressure here.  Remember, we are never doing a deep cleaning – that could take hours………….your man is waiting.

Hopefully after a few tries you will gain some skill in pulling this off, and a general comfort level with your anus, this typically disowned part of ourselves. Hey, it can’t be all bad – after all  it is a part of you.  So  maybe getting backed up isn’t so bad after all.  Maybe it is exactly where you need to be – minus the judgments.

UPDATE: You can find an excellent douche hose here and a bulb on this site (yeah, I know, Amazon??)

Five? What happened to only 1?

Grad school at CIIS was a trip – not only did I have to contend with living in a big city for the first time and commuting on BART, I had to learn to immerse myself in a group of mostly women.  Yikes!  Yes, lots of drama ensued, plus my own responses to group process.  The 2nd semester, back in early 2004, I found a local practitioner Jamie, who offered classes on movement therapy for gay men (click here for more info on that – yes, he is still teaching!!).  It was a very comfortable atmosphere, meeting other gay men who wanted to learn about themselves non-verbally in movement – wow, a whole new world opened up to me – my body as resource.  This was whole new concept, and an excellent panacea to the stress and confusion of grad school.  Instead of trusting school-mates and doing process work with them (clearly there were some emotionally mercurial people – read: roller coaster ride) I learned to trust myself.  This was huge for me!

Jamie, the kind and gentle man that he is, introduced us to the 5 Elements in Somatic Expression: movement, sounds (not words), breath, touch or contact, and stillness.  I went on to study with this man for the next 3 years, discovering how to be in my body, and with others, in a new, more grounded way.   These trainings, along with a number of different modalities became the groundwork for Sensory Energetics, especially the Puppy Intro.

I got to thinking the other day that these 5 elements are essential to a good erotic play session.  Let’s look at each one:

Movement – some men grew up in a crowded household with no privacy to explore their erotic body so they “learned” to be quiet, to be very still to experience their pleasure.  Another scenario could be an emotionally repressive or even scary household (Mom or Dad has a psychopathology like bipolar or borderline personality disorder, or alcoholism or drug use).

These patterns are set in place and become the groundwork for later adulthood erotic expressions.  NOT GOOD!  There needs to be a certain abandonment to the moment in sex play, a sense of NOT knowing what is coming next, of having fun, getting wild, of moving your body in ways you would never think of doing.

Sounds –  making sounds helps us to self-regulate, calms us down when we become stirred up or triggered and during sex can really amp up the energy of the session or greatly prolong the plateau phase.  A good example of prolonging would be the classic tantra pose (one seated with the other in their lap facing each other, while the one on bottom has their cock inside the one on top).  Here we would be breathing opposite each other making sounds on the exhale, getting the vocalization to vibrate in your body.  Later as we approach the big “O,” we would begin breathing together and making sounds.

As for how we learn this, see above in Movement. I am always amazed at how some men have an orgasm and there is absolutely NO sounds whatsoever.  If I did not see the ejaculation, I would never had known anything happened to them.

Breath – Yes, very important Little Grasshopper!  We learn how to breath shallowly most often from trauma, growing up in a volatile household with lots of beatings or yelling, more common than you’d think.  Try and remember the last time you felt shock – most likely you took a gasp, a short sharp inhale, sometimes even holding your breath.  This expression then becomes reified.  In fact, the diaphragm supports this by developing musculature, further cementing the expression in place.  Another way we could become shallow breathers is from grief or sadness, usually residing in our upper chest.  A good erotic play session includes ALL of who we are including our breath – remember, you are an athlete.

Touch – Sex is a contact sport, despite what I’ve seen in various places around SF!  It’s so odd to me seeing men having sex where there is only genital contact and nothing else.  When I am playing erotically, I want to get to know every inch of my partner’s body, every sensitive spot, every smell.  I want to explore his sweat, to lick his eye lids (try this!!), and to bite his ears.

Stillness – A necessary part of every play session, sometimes at the beginning, middle and most often at the end.  We can never appreciate movement unless we have stillness, the contrast is what makes the movement all the more sweeter.  There is much to be learned from stillness – ask any meditator, a return to homeostasis and balance.

I often wonder why men settle for less than a full-on sporting event in the bedroom.  Sadly, quick expressions of erotic life seem to be the norm.  So grasshoppers, teach others what you’ve learned in the class, demand more time with your partner, more contact, more breathing, and take in more life!

Open Wide Part 2

Some of you know that I underwent septal reconstruction surgery for a deviated septum a few weeks ago.  What that means is that both nasal passages were constricted, so my breathing was challenging at best.  This is something I’ve been dealing with my whole life – and really didn’t think a lot about it, it was just the way things were.  In the recuperative process I’ve spoken with several men who have had the same surgery – all claim that my oral skills will change dramatically.

Yes, I meaning giving head!!!  I’ve always enjoyed the process and practice of giving good blow job however it was always about either keeping my strokes short or holding my breath for long periods, both of which I’ve mastered (really, ask anyone).  Yet it took some energy to do this, was less of a flow.  Now that will all change.  I am so excited about this prospect and look forward to many hours of sucking and lingual tickling.

So if any of you are challenged by head (the giving not the getting), have to blow your nose after each blowjob and are holding your breath on a regular basis when polishing the knob, think about this procedure.  The men of America need you!!!!!!