In-holes and Out-holes – The Holes We Long To Fill
Yeah, I know many of you read the title and thought about butts or soft supple mouths, but NOOOOO! Funny where the mind goes……I’m reminded of the locker room sex ed clip from In & Out where a high school putz is trying to explain how things are supposed to go for gay men.Check out the video link below………
TAKING BACK OUR STORY
I had a chat with a friend the other day about this very subject – no, not those holes, the metaphoric ones. He’s in the middle of the Diamond Heart work, where the founder A.H. Almaas talks about the holes we live by. By holes I mean that which we are continually attempting to fill up in our lives, that which drives us in the screen play that is our life, most often based in our early experiences. Many of us rarely ask ourselves what influences us, what motivates our most enduring behaviors, as these are usually associated with what we perceive we lack, hence the hole. Most of these holes are formed at a time when we do not have the cognitive understanding to make sense of it, a non-linear, irrational perspective that can then rule the rest of our lives.
The key here is mindfulness, for it is the way out. Awareness of what we need on a most basic level in our lives helps us out of the trap, sometimes called the trances we live by. When we are living our lives with awareness we have choices – in trances we do not. We are merely helpless actors in a poorly written novel – sure it has pathos but will there be resolution? Will the hero transcend his shortcomings? With awareness we can look at the patterns of behavior we are continually living out in relationship. Is it around contempt of the other? Is it about loss (everyone always leaves me…), or engulfment (come closer, now go away….)? Are we always trying to find space in relationship, or are we trying to merge with our partners? Some psychologists believe these holes are all about our early bonding or lack thereof, called Attachment theory.
Once we are aware of our patterns in life and relationship, we then can take back our power and come out of the trances. We then have choices and can ask for what we want/need, or even take some risks with another to challenge those beliefs we live out day in and day out. This is the opposite of “being stuck.” It is about taking back our lives, our script, not about trying to fill holes that can’t be filled. That way we can write that happy ending we dream about.