I am intrigued by the use of touch in our world, even across cultures.  Whenever I am taking a trip abroad, I’m particularly aware of how touch is used. It can convey so much about how at ease folks are, can communicate how connected or disconnected any group is, and often is much more accurate than words in letting someone know how you feel.  In grad school I experimented with using touch in an elementary school setting.  There was one young boy, let’s call him Dan, that I saw in therapy for a few years, raised by his mother as his father was in prison.  Working with Dan was challenging – he would come to sessions each Monday morning at 10 am nervous and agitated, having difficulties in both his studies and interactions with other children in the classroom.  I decided to begin putting my hand on his shoulder as I walked him back to class just to see what would happen, after asking his permission of course.  Instantly, I could feel the tension in his back relax while his whole demeanor changed – it felt as if he stopped struggling just for a little while.  He became brighter, more engaged in our sessions after that – all from a brief 10 second light touch on the back.   I learned a few lessons from this encounter: The importance of taking risks – because touching is a risk – A person can never tell what another’s history is around touch, and how touch can communicate belonging and worth, even a sense of community.  Check out the link here for an article in the NY Times on the power of touch (thanks Paul).

So the next time you are feeling out of touch, literally, with others trying reaching out for a little physical contact.

Yeah, I know many of you read the title and thought about butts or soft supple mouths, but NOOOOO!  Funny where the mind goes……I’m reminded of the locker room sex ed clip from In & Out where a high school putz is trying to explain how things are supposed to go for gay men.Check out the video link below………

In&Out1_

TAKING BACK OUR STORY

I had a chat with a friend the other day about this very subject – no, not those holes, the metaphoric ones.  He’s in the middle of the Diamond Heart work, where the founder A.H. Almaas talks about the holes we live by.  By holes I mean that which we are continually attempting to fill up in our lives, that which drives us in the screen play that is our life, most often based in our early experiences.  Many of us rarely ask ourselves what influences us, what motivates our most enduring behaviors, as these are usually associated with what we perceive we lack, hence the hole. Most of these holes are formed at a time when we do not have the cognitive understanding to make sense of it, a non-linear, irrational perspective that can then rule the rest of our lives.

The key here is mindfulness, for it is the way out.  Awareness of what we need on a most basic level in our lives helps us out of the trap, sometimes called the trances we live by.  When we are living our lives with awareness we have choices – in trances we do not.  We are merely helpless actors in a poorly written novel – sure it has pathos but will there be resolution?  Will the hero transcend  his shortcomings?  With awareness we can look at the patterns of behavior we are continually living out in relationship.  Is it around contempt of the other?  Is it about loss (everyone always leaves me…), or engulfment (come closer, now go away….)?  Are we always trying to find space in relationship, or are we trying to merge with our partners?  Some psychologists believe these holes are all about our early bonding or lack thereof, called Attachment theory.

Once we are aware of our patterns in life and relationship, we then can take back our power and come out of the trances.  We then have choices and can ask for what we want/need, or even take some risks with another to challenge those beliefs we live out day in and day out.  This is the opposite of “being stuck.”  It is about taking back our lives, our script, not about trying to fill holes that can’t be filled. That way we can write that happy ending we dream about.

So, more Tips Tricks and Techniques from the Edge.  This is one of my most favorite tricks to stimulate my partners, and especially when used with the “tasting” technique of a few posts back, can make your man wild.  Really the trick to being the “best” at head is in variation, and of course an open throat (more on that later….).  Try this technique: Go down on your favorite man tool all the way so that your lips are brushing up against his bush (while carefully wrapping your lips around your exposed teeth to protect the tender skin there), then open your mouth all the way so that your lips, tongue and the roof of your mouth are barely touching his piece and begin slow deep breathing.  The sensation of cool air and your hot mouth will likely drive your slab o man meat crazy with passion.