Yes, folks, it is Maca – root of the Incas. A friend recommended it to me, claiming it had miraculous erection potential so I tried it – hey, I’ll try anything! Wait, what? It looks like a freaking onion or something (actually it is in the radish family if you must know). When I did some investigating I focused on the word adaptogen (as in Ginseng) meaning that is an overall body toner, helping to bring into balance all of the body’s systems, most notably the endocrine system.

What I felt when taking it was more energy, but not the speedy energy you get from Redbull or most ginseng caps. Also I noticed that my head felt clearer, especially when in session with clients. I even slept better, not getting up in the middle of the night to pee at all. Sweet!

You can find it at any health food store, even Whole Foods. See what you think and get back to me. My buddy says you’ll feel hornier (is that even a word?), thinking about sex more. Sounds good to me………….

Yes, I did. A lot. And it was fun.

I’ve just returned from an extended trip to Palm Springs for some rest and recharging of the inner fires. Ah, the sun, good food, and men everywhere you could turn your head. It’s almost surreal to go about your day and run into (sometimes literally) gay men shopping and eating – upwards of 45% of the population I hear. The trip culminated with a party on Sunday at my buddies place. We fluffed all morning to create an erotic play space complete with rim chair, sling, massage table in its own grotto, a meticulously crafted Glory Hole (my buddy is an engineer, go figure), an electric St. Andrews Cross and porn room.

I sat back watching how men, over the course of the next 6 or so hours, moved in and out of erotic play, who needed more emotional safety, how men dealt with rejection, and those that needed lubrication (and I’m not talking about Elbow Grease here) to get into playing.
One particularly handsome Venezuelan man went so far as to tell me my manner was too direct for him, perhaps too scary. I had a chuckle at that one. It wouldn’t have occurred to me to be anything other than direct, especially around sexuality.

All in all I feel the day was a celebration of our gay male eroticism, a day to come together (over and over…..) in all of the ways men move in and out of contact. I could see something sexy about each and every man – with some it was their mouth, or butt, or the way they crinkled their eyes when they smiled, or even their Southern Californian accent.

I think Martha would have approved

The title is a bastardization of a Buddha quote – and it fits with what is on my mind today, how our vision can either condemn or create. Through the eyes we see the world, or not, meaning we select what we let into ourselves. What men don’t want to see is not only the horrors of the world but our own shame, passed down through the eyes from parents to children. Of course words can perpetuate this shame but in this article I’m really sitting with how powerful the eyes can be.
When men have a challenge with gazing into their partner’s eyes it speaks to me of not wanting to see rejection mirrored back to them, or disapproval, even to hide their own perceived vulnerability or weaknesses. One of the easiest ways to hide or block out the world is to close our eyes, a form of dissociation, a way to manage our physiologic stimuli.

A way to explore working with eye gazing is to first work in front of a mirror alone in a well-lighted room. Practice what we call bite-sizing, spend brief periods looking at yourself in a mirror without judgment, only curiosity. See what you can discover about yourself that you did not know. Gradually increase the time spent in the mirror with yourself, and over time, try to include another, again bite-sizing the exposure.

AND, always try to include eyes gazing when playing erotically, both with yourself and your buddy – let your partner know you are present with them and not crawling into a hole of your own sensations and fantasies. It’s ironic how men can play, doing something that is so intimate, and actually NOT be present with their partners. Remember, this is dance you both are doing together.

If you want to create some intimacy in your relationships, spend some time really Looking at your partner, not saying anything. You may be surprised at what happens next……………..

Cheers to all of you men that worked through the last two classes. The male energy in the room was palpable, full with heat. I’ve noticed that the themes in the past few classes (Power and Surrender in March and Fear and Trust last night) were powerful, bringing up rich emotional material for the men in the class. In designing the experiential exercises I begin with an idea cooking, usually all week, around basic issues that restrict or impede our erotic play. Then I try to come up with fun tactile opportunities for men to connect while being in a state of open curiosity about the process at hand. I do, however, tend toward underestimating the impact of the exercises – in process work less is always more, especially when slowed down.

Slowing down leaves space for what is unknown or just below our consciousness to emerge in a safe and accepting atmosphere, often that missing experience for gay men. When we are very busy, moving, texting and thinking all of the time, we cannot access the wisdom of the body nor can we tune into the knowledge that resides in our belly. Right now I am reading Malcolm Gladwell’s book Blink – where he looks at the process of “thin-slicing.”

He posits that we know what we know about a person or an experience from very little data, often in as little as 2 seconds, and a good deal of that information we take in does not have to do with our brains. I feel that once we really get to know ourselves erotically, we can know everything about a prospective partner (whether they are a good match, as in top or bottom, whether they are selfish in bed or a slug, etc.) given very little data. Go Body!!!!!

So hopefully this is what men are coming away with after a SE class, as this is my intention. I’ve seen some amazing growth in some of the regulars and I’m so proud to be a witness to their emerging from shame and claiming their right to be in their erotic bodies and here on this planet unapologetically.