Grad school at CIIS was a trip – not only did I have to contend with living in a big city for the first time and commuting on BART, I had to learn to immerse myself in a group of mostly women, some of which were clearly Borderline.  Yikes!  Yes, lots of drama ensued, plus my own responses to group process.  The 2nd semester, back in early 2004, I found a local practitioner Jamie, who offered classes on movement therapy for gay men (click here for more info on that – yes, he is still teaching!!).  It was a very comfortable atmosphere, meeting other gay men who wanted to learn about themselves non-verbally in movement – wow, a whole new world opened up to me – my body as resource.  This was whole new concept, and an excellent panacea to the stress and confusion of grad school.  Instead of trusting school-mates and doing process work with them (clearly there were some emotionally mercurial people – read: roller coaster ride) I learned to trust myself.  This was huge for me!

Jamie, the kind and gentle man that he is, introduced us to the 5 Elements in Somatic Expression: movement, sounds (not words), breath, touch or contact, and stillness.  I went on to study with this man for the next 3 years, discovering how to be in my body, and with others, in a new, more grounded way.   These trainings, along with a number of different modalities became the groundwork for Sensory Energetics, especially the Puppy Intro.

I got to thinking the other day that these 5 elements are essential to a good erotic play session.  Let’s look at each one:

Movement – some men grew up in a crowded household with no privacy to explore their erotic body so they “learned” to be quiet, to be very still to experience their pleasure.  Another scenario could be an emotionally repressive or even scary household (Mom or Dad has a psychopathology like bipolar or borderline personality disorder, or alcoholism or drug use).

These patterns are set in place and become the groundwork for later adulthood erotic expressions.  NOT GOOD!  There needs to be a certain abandonment to the moment in sex play, a sense of NOT knowing what is coming next, of having fun, getting wild, of moving your body in ways you would never think of doing.

Sounds –  making sounds helps us to self-regulate, calms us down when we become stirred up or triggered and during sex can really amp up the energy of the session or greatly prolong the plateau phase.  A good example of prolonging would be the classic tantra pose (one seated with the other in their lap facing each other, while the one on bottom has their cock inside the one on top).  Here we would be breathing opposite each other making sounds on the exhale, getting the vocalization to vibrate in your body.  Later as we approach the big “O,” we would begin breathing together and making sounds.

As for how we learn this, see above in Movement. I am always amazed at how some men have an orgasm and there is absolutely NO sounds whatsoever.  If I did not see the ejaculation, I would never had known anything happened to them.

Breath – Yes, very important Little Grasshopper!  We learn how to breath shallowly most often from trauma, growing up in a volatile household with lots of beatings or yelling, more common than you’d think.  Try and remember the last time you felt shock – most likely you took a gasp, a short sharp inhale, sometimes even holding your breath.  This expression then becomes reified.  In fact, the diaphragm supports this by developing musculature, further cementing the expression in place.  Another way we could become shallow breathers is from grief or sadness, usually residing in our upper chest.  A good erotic play session includes ALL of who we are including our breath – remember, you are an athlete.

Touch – Sex is a contact sport, despite what I’ve seen in various places around SF!  It’s so odd to me seeing men having sex where there is only genital contact and nothing else.  When I am playing erotically, I want to get to know every inch of my partner’s body, every sensitive spot, every smell.  I want to explore his sweat, to lick his eye lids (try this!!), and to bite his ears.

Stillness – A necessary part of every play session, sometimes at the beginning, middle and most often at the end.  We can never appreciate movement unless we have stillness, the contrast is what makes the movement all the more sweeter.  There is much to be learned from stillness – ask any meditator, a return to homeostasis and balance.

I often wonder why men settle for less than a full-on sporting event in the bedroom.  Sadly, quick expressions of erotic life seem to be the norm.  So grasshoppers, teach others what you’ve learned in the class, demand more time with your partner, more contact, more breathing, and take in more life!

Some of you know that I underwent septal reconstruction surgery for a deviated septum a few weeks ago.  What that means is that both nasal passages were constricted, so my breathing was challenging at best.  This is something I’ve been dealing with my whole life – and really didn’t think a lot about it, it was just the way things were.  In the recuperative process I’ve spoken with several men who have had the same surgery – all claim that my oral skills will change dramatically.

Yes, I meaning giving head!!!  I’ve always enjoyed the process and practice of giving good blow job however it was always about either keeping my strokes short or holding my breath for long periods, both of which I’ve mastered (really, ask anyone).  Yet it took some energy to do this, was less of a flow.  Now that will all change.  I am so excited about this prospect and look forward to many hours of sucking and lingual tickling.

So if any of you are challenged by head (the giving not the getting), have to blow your nose after each blowjob and are holding your breath on a regular basis when polishing the knob, think about this procedure.  The men of America need you!!!!!!

For something so small compared to the rest of our body, our heads sure try to take over and do most of the work.  This is where most of us get into trouble – allowing the brain to run the show, to call the shots, to be the default way of moving through the world, even to the exclusion of all the other data we absorb into our bodies.  This narrows down our perceptions to only what is ordered and orderly, to what can be controlled and manipulated.   When I picture this kind of somatic organization, I see a huge head on a little body, kind of like you see on South Park, all except for Cartman (he’s not fat, he’s big boned…..).

So how the hell did we get such big fat heads?  Often when there is an event, such as early trauma, abuse or even the death of a loved one, we lose the ability to experience the world fluidly.  For example, think back to when you were a young child.  When we meet the world we take information through all kinds of channels, not just our heads.  Watch a young infant for awhile and you will see them tasting furniture (for that matter just about anything that can fit will go in their mouth – some of us never left that strategy behind!!!!).   It is all about exploring, not just with our eyes but with our sense of touch and smell, and taste.  It is ALL about discovery.

So when the head takes over we become rigid in our thinking, less flexible in our responses to how we deal with the world, less able to handle what life throws at us.  In a real way, our world becomes smaller and so do we.  Kind of like Alice in Wonderland sipping the bottle marked “Drink Me,” we shrink to make the world fit our small way of experiencing it, through our heads, and not the other way around.  Our world is supposed to shape us, so that we can grow with it, we can expand our container (our bodies, our way of thinking) and then, in turn, shape the world.

So what happens when our minds take the reins?  We become ungrounded, fearful, less contactful (we lose touch with ourselves and the world), suspicious and untrusting.  Things often become much bigger than they are emotionally.  My father, who grew up in a work house in England in the 30’s, was like this.   I suppose I am also describing the Religious Right and the Republican Party, but I digress.  The Buddhists have a term for this – they call it Monkey Mind, a mind out of control, running amuck, taking over.

So how do we get ourselves out of this fine mess we got ourselves into, how do we take back some of the control?  Slowing things down is a good start, and honoring all the senses is another.  Our bodies are big ol sponges – soaking up all kinds of information from multiple sources.   Often our gut reaction is equally valid, and truer than our head evaluation of a situation.  At times, our sense of smell can tell us more about a person’s health than mere visual inspection; frequently this happens when I am working with clients doing bodywork.

Another way to develop and expand our container is to take some risks, like doing new things.   A different part of our brain comes online when we do this, new nerve pathways are set as we experience unfamiliar places and novel situations.  I believe this is a part of that “refreshed” feeling that happens when we take a vacation.   I wonder if it is all about getting us back to a infant-like state, back to the part of us that was open and excited about life, willing to put anything into our mouths and smelling everything we could.  Good Head, to me, is all about Good Body, meaning to experience the world we need ALL of us online.

I’ve always been fascinated by jobs, especially the jobs we call “blow.”  We are not really blowing anything.  It’s all about opening wide – and it can be quite a job, particularly when faced with a huge monster rearing its head.  I always try to do my best, though.  That is precisely whey they call it practice.  I know some who should get a lifetime achievement award……..from this relentless soul I picked up the latest entry into the Tips Tricks and Techniques from the Edge.

The fascination, for me, is equally as exciting whether I am  standing with my hands planted on  a man’s ears, shoving my tool down their throat, or on my knees with both hands behind my back using my inner throat muscles to massage my man’s cock.  It’s an oral thing, to be filled up, satiated, complete – and don’t forget the sublime rapture (as Charles Nelson calls it in both his books Panthers in the Skins of Men and The Boy Who Picked the Bullets Up) of a big ol explosive load in your mouth or the sweet musky juices dripping down your throat.  Ahhhh.

So, here is an excellent way to turn your man into a mewling puppy.  I learned this technique back in the 70’s from a master cock sucker, a guy that really relished his avocation and it can be done with things you already have around the house.  This trick works best if your man is standing, but can be done in any position, as you want his nut sack to hang down low.  Warming them beforehand by blowing on them might be a good way to begin.  First, use some Vaseline or heavy ointment style lip goo and coat your lips with a thick layer – this makes the sliding back and forth smooth and effortless.  Next, take some corn starch in your left hand (if you’re right handed) and slowly begin lightly massaging the balls of your man.  I mean very lightly!  The combined sensations will drive your man into a frenzy.  Who knows you might even get the job.

I’ve been thinking lately about open and closed systems, in particular how we move in and out of our erotic impulses. An excellent way to illustrate this would be to look back over the past year erotically, tracking the vicissitudes of arousal.  This can be done through journal writing, documenting weekly how open or shut down we were and connect that to how we were emotionally, physically and spiritually.  My buddy David (thanks Noodles) tracks his rhythms on a chart to graphically visualize these patterns.

This technique is also utilized by Financial Behaviorists (These folks help others to reveal their seasons of spending, looking at relationships with money, etc.).  When looking at our erotic rhythms, what becomes apparent is how the flow expands and contracts from our personal baseline.  These ‘baselines’ are important because we all start from somewhere, based on our experiences – some men are dealing with addictions, sexual or emotional trauma that intrudes on their sense of aliveness.

In a closed erotic system, there is little room for growth or change; men keep doing what they have always done since the very first orgasm. They masturbate the same way; they fuck in the same way and are present or not in the same way.  There is rigidity in a closed system – think about the US Military, the Catholic Church, or about dogma in general.  When freedoms are suspended in service of dogma/rules, you have a static system doomed to crumble under the weight of its own teachings.

One of the tenets of closed systems is dualities like good vs bad, dark vs light, or any number of opposites.  These beliefs bind members together, united under a common goal, and foster black and white thinking in general, thinking in absolutes.  This is part of where the rigidity comes from, especially becoming entrenched when our erotic expression is paired to an addiction or trauma – either a big ol slut or celibate, either in for a 100 men in one night or not at all.

Hit up the link below for an excellent explanation of how our beliefs become reified, hardened in our bodies.

Why is a body centered approach needed?

In contrast, as children our bodies know about growth – it seems growing is all we are doing (in reality it never stops).  This is the flow of life, to grow, expand, to breathe in and out.  Wilhelm Reich studied multiple systems, including animals, humans, and even single celled organisms; he noticed that all have movement in common, they all pulsate with energy – calling this the ‘Pulsation Model’.  Larger systems such as families, political groups and countries, need room to flourish, to expand and contract.  This is nature at its best, wild and uncontained.

So how can we bring more expressional fluidity and less containment to our erotic play, with ourselves and another?  One way might be to look at how rigid we are, questioning our erotic process.   Do we take risks?  Is there room for discovery, space to uncover something new, something unexpected, even delightful?  Can we play with breath and can we make sounds, I mean loud sounds?  Claim your space, baby!!!!  Sounds help to ground us in our bodies – in fact, you can observe young children making sounds all of the time.  AND, above all, HAVE FUN!  Reclaim that sense of play you had as a kid, laugh and sit in your own juices/sensations afterward.

Okay – so you screwed up again!  Then there is the resultant self-flaggelation afterward, a collection of responses from mental masturbation, that hamster wheel of thoughts as we mentally rehearse over and over what could have or should have been because, DAMMIT, it wasn’t our fault (projection), to lethargy to sleeplessness (more rehearsing even as we try to get a break from the barrage of thoughts), to isolating to sniping at our partners (displacement is Freud’s term – you know when the boss yells at us and we go home and kick the dog).  Whew!  I’m exhausted just reading this!  And believe me, it is barely the tip of the iceberg of responses of how we berate ourselves when we feel as though we’ve done something wrong.  No one is perfect – perfect is boring, unreal.

Native Americans understood the importance of flaws.  In Navajo rugs there is always a flaw built into the design on purpose – This flaw is intentional – the Navajo believe that this flaw allows the spirit, or soul, of the blanket to have the freedom to roam, and for the blanket to never truly end.  In reality, there is no such thing as perfect as we are all changing from each millisecond to the next – our bodies are renewing and aging, expanding and contracting with each moment.  It would be much more true to think that we are perfect in all of our our imperfections.  I can really see the beauty in that.  So the next time you screw up, I mean really pull a big one (that isn’t caught on You Tube or anything), try to create some space for self-forgiveness.  It is sooo much easier and takes a lot less energy to do so.  Ahhhhh.

I am intrigued by the use of touch in our world, even across cultures.  Whenever I am taking a trip abroad, I’m particularly aware of how touch is used. It can convey so much about how at ease folks are, can communicate how connected or disconnected any group is, and often is much more accurate than words in letting someone know how you feel.  In grad school I experimented with using touch in an elementary school setting.  There was one young boy, let’s call him Dan, that I saw in therapy for a few years, raised by his mother as his father was in prison.  Working with Dan was challenging – he would come to sessions each Monday morning at 10 am nervous and agitated, having difficulties in both his studies and interactions with other children in the classroom.  I decided to begin putting my hand on his shoulder as I walked him back to class just to see what would happen, after asking his permission of course.  Instantly, I could feel the tension in his back relax while his whole demeanor changed – it felt as if he stopped struggling just for a little while.  He became brighter, more engaged in our sessions after that – all from a brief 10 second light touch on the back.   I learned a few lessons from this encounter: The importance of taking risks – because touching is a risk – A person can never tell what another’s history is around touch, and how touch can communicate belonging and worth, even a sense of community.  Check out the link here for an article in the NY Times on the power of touch (thanks Paul).

So the next time you are feeling out of touch, literally, with others trying reaching out for a little physical contact.

Yeah, I know many of you read the title and thought about butts or soft supple mouths, but NOOOOO!  Funny where the mind goes……I’m reminded of the locker room sex ed clip from In & Out where a high school putz is trying to explain how things are supposed to go for gay men.Check out the video link below………

In&Out1_

TAKING BACK OUR STORY

I had a chat with a friend the other day about this very subject – no, not those holes, the metaphoric ones.  He’s in the middle of the Diamond Heart work, where the founder A.H. Almaas talks about the holes we live by.  By holes I mean that which we are continually attempting to fill up in our lives, that which drives us in the screen play that is our life, most often based in our early experiences.  Many of us rarely ask ourselves what influences us, what motivates our most enduring behaviors, as these are usually associated with what we perceive we lack, hence the hole. Most of these holes are formed at a time when we do not have the cognitive understanding to make sense of it, a non-linear, irrational perspective that can then rule the rest of our lives.

The key here is mindfulness, for it is the way out.  Awareness of what we need on a most basic level in our lives helps us out of the trap, sometimes called the trances we live by.  When we are living our lives with awareness we have choices – in trances we do not.  We are merely helpless actors in a poorly written novel – sure it has pathos but will there be resolution?  Will the hero transcend  his shortcomings?  With awareness we can look at the patterns of behavior we are continually living out in relationship.  Is it around contempt of the other?  Is it about loss (everyone always leaves me…), or engulfment (come closer, now go away….)?  Are we always trying to find space in relationship, or are we trying to merge with our partners?  Some psychologists believe these holes are all about our early bonding or lack thereof, called Attachment theory.

Once we are aware of our patterns in life and relationship, we then can take back our power and come out of the trances.  We then have choices and can ask for what we want/need, or even take some risks with another to challenge those beliefs we live out day in and day out.  This is the opposite of “being stuck.”  It is about taking back our lives, our script, not about trying to fill holes that can’t be filled. That way we can write that happy ending we dream about.

So, more Tips Tricks and Techniques from the Edge.  This is one of my most favorite tricks to stimulate my partners, and especially when used with the “tasting” technique of a few posts back, can make your man wild.  Really the trick to being the “best” at head is in variation, and of course an open throat (more on that later….).  Try this technique: Go down on your favorite man tool all the way so that your lips are brushing up against his bush (while carefully wrapping your lips around your exposed teeth to protect the tender skin there), then open your mouth all the way so that your lips, tongue and the roof of your mouth are barely touching his piece and begin slow deep breathing.  The sensation of cool air and your hot mouth will likely drive your slab o man meat crazy with passion.

Diving deeper into More Tips Tricks and Techniques from the Edge……….here’s one we did in class in January.  In ruminating about the subtle seduction of Glory Holes, I got to thinking about what it is that most surely brings about a Big O.  Someone, maybe even a few someones, are pleasuring us on the other side of the glory hole and we cannot control anything about the contact, besides (gasp!!!) pulling out.

Our body faces a hard wall, both solid and immovable, while our junk is getting softly caressed and stroked to an explosive end.  There is something seductive about being not in control, especially our own pleasure.  Secretly, I’ve always fantasized about having a hole in the massage table I use, about midway down so that when you are lying face down your goodies are hanging all loose and free below for anyone to explore while you are getting a deep tissue bodywork session.  Sigh!

Okay, so here’s the good part:  Have your favorite man whore kneel on the bed facing away from you while you position yourself kneeling behind him, perhaps even between his legs, with one arm (your non-dominant arm) reaching around holding him firmly to your chest.  Next, take your dominant hand and, reaching around to the front of your man, stroke off your partner.  His job is to be passive, to be taken, pleasured, abused.  And, depending on his size, you can even use the other hand to stroke his head, nips, or neck, while the other has a firm grip on his tool.

While this can and does also work if your cock is inside him, it is much more effective if you are providing total holding (what we call containment).  Your buddy’s load will be rich and explosive, all the more so if he can really let go.  An optional trick might be to pop in a butt plug into your buddy beforehand, using your hips to hold it securely in place while you stroke him from behind.   Hint: “Straight guys” love this because they can always say that it was done to them, it wasn’t their fault because they weren’t in control.  Whatever!