Diving deeper into More Tips Tricks and Techniques from the Edge……….here’s one we did in class in January.  In ruminating about the subtle seduction of Glory Holes, I got to thinking about what it is that most surely brings about a Big O.  Someone, maybe even a few someones, are pleasuring us on the other side of the glory hole and we cannot control anything about the contact, besides (gasp!!!) pulling out.

Our body faces a hard wall, both solid and immovable, while our junk is getting softly caressed and stroked to an explosive end.  There is something seductive about being not in control, especially our own pleasure.  Secretly, I’ve always fantasized about having a hole in the massage table I use, about midway down so that when you are lying face down your goodies are hanging all loose and free below for anyone to explore while you are getting a deep tissue bodywork session.  Sigh!

Okay, so here’s the good part:  Have your favorite man whore kneel on the bed facing away from you while you position yourself kneeling behind him, perhaps even between his legs, with one arm (your non-dominant arm) reaching around holding him firmly to your chest.  Next, take your dominant hand and, reaching around to the front of your man, stroke off your partner.  His job is to be passive, to be taken, pleasured, abused.  And, depending on his size, you can even use the other hand to stroke his head, nips, or neck, while the other has a firm grip on his tool.

While this can and does also work if your cock is inside him, it is much more effective if you are providing total holding (what we call containment).  Your buddy’s load will be rich and explosive, all the more so if he can really let go.  An optional trick might be to pop in a butt plug into your buddy beforehand, using your hips to hold it securely in place while you stroke him from behind.   Hint: “Straight guys” love this because they can always say that it was done to them, it wasn’t their fault because they weren’t in control.  Whatever!

Under the heading of more Tips, Tricks and Techniques from the Edge (you just KNOW you want more….) here ’s one secret technique I found that is guaranteed to get your man off big time.  The next time your Paddle Daddy is plowing yer ass big time in the Miss Posish (the ol Missionary Position for all you traditionalists) put your arms over head and have your man hold your wrists down.  Now you may be thinking, “Dude I’ve been all over that action before – what gives?”  Here’s where it gets all interesting and shit.  Think about it energetically – give your man a little resistance as he is holding your wrists down.  Not too much as you want  most of his energy to go into the thrusting, not into holding you down.  What you are creating is a little frustration in the system.  You want just enough to make him want to try harder (not give up exhausted).  It is what we call a distraction technique, a diversion from the hot fucking feelings his dick is undoubtedly feeling – and he’s gong to want to try a little harder to get that yummy-squishy-I’m-going-to-blow-a-big-ol-load-in-your-ass dick feelings.  And the timing is very important – I would try this nearer to the end of the play as you are approaching the finish line.  That coupled with a  few well placed pelvic rotations and you’ll have your man begging for more.

Who ever said a little resistance wasn’t a good thing?

Rock on!

Many of you regular readers know that I love a ride in a sling, even gushed about it several times here.  I began playing with men wildly at 17, in Detroit and then here in SF, and most of that play was around slings as a top – however this last year I tried the bottom role, actually LAYING in it.  Here’s why the experience is so unique:  It is a chance for a body to just let go, both muscularly and energetically.  The sling carries the whole weight so there’s no need to organize around getting your body in a number of different contortions just to feel a nice hard cock up your ass.  I feel a softening in my pelvis like never before because I feel fully supported.  Yes, face it – we hold our bodies just to walk down the street, tighten our pelvis walking to catch a BART train, clench our asshole in a meeting with the boss, even holding our bellies in when we pass a particularly hot man.  Taking a ride in a sling is a chance to let go, an exercise in vulnerability, while still being able to look your buddy in the eyes (or check out the mirror on the ceiling).

Once there, I was really aware of how men fuck (actually I’ve been ruminating on this subject for some time – I tend to do that).  There really is a big difference between fucking a woman and fucking a man.  What, you say?  A hole is a hole right?  Wrongo, little grasshopper.  Women take different stimulation than men so men learn to fuck differently.  My ex, Steve, used to be married to a woman for 17 years before we hooked up.  I could tell we fucked very differently.  He was doing fast jabs with his cock – that kind of fucking had very little to do with me or US.  I learned over the years to focus my cock in a way that brought both of us pleasure – here’s how.  PAY ATTENTION GUYS.  I make sure that I go slow on the entry, then just stop until I feel my partner’s body settle.  This can take a minute to several minutes.  I make sure my man knows that there is plenty of time and that I am in no hurry, that it is about us.  You might even say I do the same thing in practicing psychotherapy.  No, not the FUCKING part, the waiting part, working with the nervous system of whom I am sitting with.  Think about how overwhelming, sensory-wise, it can be to be entered. I merely wait for his body to catch up.  I’ve got all the time in the world – I know that I’ll always get what I want in the end .

When I feel my partner is settled somatically with my cock in him to the hilt I slowly begin rolling my hips from side to side, watching his face the whole time for signs of discomfort.  I’m still not doing the ol’ in and out just yet.  I want this to last, and I let my partner know this with my eyes and touch.  Next, I pull my cock out so that I can feel the head of my cock is gently massaging his prostate, making slow short strokes in and out.  My cock here is only 3 or 4 inches inside, going out an inch and back inside an inch, doing this for approx. 5 times.  On the 6th I’ll slide all the way in, giving my partner the feeling of ALL of me.  Often I’ll put all my weight on him at this point, giving him the feeling of fullness and containment.  The key here is variability.  Next I’ll repeat this pattern of 5 short strokes then one deep stroke with my cock.  Obviously this 5/1 pattern is only the beginning of a sweet good long hard ride.  We’ll get into more tips, tricks and strategies in another post.

Notice here that in no way am I trying to frustratingly stimulate a clitoris.  It is all about slow stroking, the connection with my partner, and of course building up for some peak experiences.  Yes, how you fuck really does make a big difference in the dance and the outcome.  And remember, never be afraid of asking for what you want as a bottom from your top man.  That way you both can have a good hard ride.

UPDATE

BTW, you can find an excellent canvas (Yes, leather you can wash!!) sling from Buddy’s WorkBench 415-819-4538 or buddysworkbench@yahoo.com or the usual leather at Mr. S in SF for about $350.

In all of the craziness of the season, what with the buying and parties, the drinking and forced family get-togethers, it can be difficult to feel connected to others, let alone ourselves.  Most of the time our energy is moving out into the surround, deciding what prezzies to buy for that special man in your life, deadlines for mailing gifts, all leading up to the frenzy of the 25th of this month.  Yet, in all of this madness we can become disconnected from what truly makes us happy.  In Somatic terms, discovering and practicing things that make us feel centered and happy are what we call resources.

I reminded a client just this morning that he feels most connected to himself and much more available to others when he walks the dog in the park (or the beach);  this one simple act grounds him, and calms down the anxiety he feels.  What makes you more available?  No, I don’t mean a jar of your favorite lube, or a even a stiff Scotch.  What is it you do, or can do, to bring you back to yourself?

I’ve found that coming from a place of gratitude about all that we have in our lives increases our feelings of abundance and well-being.  In fact, this is one of the basics laws of the universe, something lost on the new generation of kids.  The younger generation, I’ve found, do not express their thanks as say the older folks who understand this basic concept.  When you increase your level of gratitude about all of the wonderful things you have in your life, you also increase the likelihood of it happening again (and again).  Do you see?  It is about an openness, not an, “I’ve got to get more” or “there’s just not enough in the world” attitude.

This truly is a time for thankfulness.  We have a lot to be thankful for – when we connect to our resources we become more available to ourselves and others, and when we connect to our gratitude for what we do have, we leave room for all kinds of good things to come into our lives.   Thanks for walking this path with me over the past year, for taking emotional and erotic risks, and for being open………..

In Gratitude and Much Love this Season

David

Where is our center?  Just what does this mean, finding our center?  Perhaps we know it all too well when we are around a man that is “not centered.”  They tend to be spacey versus present emotionally and tend toward reacting instead of acting in situations.  Typically a centered man knows what they want and need versus a man that is easily influenced by others.  This isn’t about generalizing – more about helping you to recognize when you are around man that is not centered.  Typically a man that is centered responds after hearing what you have to say, versus a non-centered man that answers while listening.  See where I am going with this?

Being uncentered takes us into our anxious selves, into our heads – and when the energy is moving up instead of down into our grounding and centering, it becomes difficult to think clearly.  We tend to look into our surround for guidance instead of inside, to that inner knowing that we all possess.  So, what the heck do we DO about this, when it seems to whole world is conspiring against our coming from a centered place in our lives?  It’s all about the awareness, baby!

In my spiritual training back in the 80’s I learned the importance of a centering practice, about expanding my everyday awareness to include all of the sensations of my body.  I discovered the ‘language” of the body, my body.  Once I opened myself up to this practice, or meditation (and it really is a body mediation!), I discovered a whole other way of knowing, a whole other way of being in the world.  Men frequently ask me, “how did you know this or that?” when really it is about opening myself up to an inner language of my body.  THIS INNER KNOWNG CANNOT HAPPEN IF WE ARE NOT CENTERED!

In addition to a general body awareness practice there are all kinds of centering practices: usually some form of somatic movement such as yoga, Chi Gong, swimming (a meditative practice in itself, yes.), even body-building or dancing in front of a full-length mirror can help develop centering.  One note though – any kind of trauma can interrupt what is called an “orienting reflex” making it a challenge to find our center.  Working with a qualified movement therapist or somatic practitioner can help with this.  To me, life, our relationships, and even our level of contentedness is all about FIRST finding our center.

The German philosopher Schopenhauer wrote that there are two kinds of people in this world – those that think there are two kinds of people in this world and those that do not.  You may be thinking while reading this, “wait, what?”  This quote reminds me of how we try to grasp onto dualities to make sense of our lives.  Good versus bad, dark versus light, open or closed, hard and soft, top or bottom, hairy or smooth – these distinctions serve us in one sense by helping to define and demarcate our place and our boundaries yet, developmentally, it a young way to view the world.  Imagine a small infant, learning more about the world with every moment – the concept of dualities helps them discover me/not me, a fundamental shift from the oneness of the mother/child bond.

Later as the child grows, this conceptual way of thinking about the world will even show up in their play: cowboys and Indians, even competitive team sports where there is only one winner and one loser.  As adults, one can see this dualistic thinking in politics, law enforcement and the whole judicial system, especially in the business world however it can only take us so far.  This perspective serves to lock us into seeing the world in one way, a limited point of view.  Michael Mahoney, in his book Constructive Psychotherapy calls seeing the world through a dualistic lens as a Core Ordering Process, operating at just below our level of awareness.

If you watch any TV series, like Heroes or even a soup opera like Days of our Lives, you will quickly notice that things are really grey, not black and white as we so often crave.  We come to despise or hate a character, often vehemently so, and then we learn that this person has a back story, is very different and often, against our best judgment, we may even begin to (gasp!) feel compassion for this character.  This is what draws us in, captivates us, makes us want to tune in next week – and here’s why:  Black and white thinking is rigid and predictable (not making for good TV) while human beings are far from that.  A dualistic way of perceiving our lives limits us, holds us back from seeing all that we are and all that we could be.  We are multidimensional beings just like our emotions.  In any one hour we may feel sad, angry, peaceful, and annoyed.  We are fluid and much much more than these dualities.

Buddhists have a saying that there are no good days or bad days – there are just days.  This means that it is our egos that try to grasp onto something to give life meaning, only seeing a life through the lens of dualities holds us back from living our life fully.  This filter is like looking through binoculars – we only have a narrow field of vision.  The next time you catch yourself having a strong reaction to something or someone, try asking yourself if you are coming from a place of either/or.  You may find your heart begin to open and your body soften, opening the gates of your consciousness, allowing a more balanced point of view to emerge.

One SE student proudly wears a T shirt to class with the title of this post on it sometimes, and yes, admittedly, as a peter puffer he is good at what he does (really good, damn!), but it had me thinking about how men give head. I’ve found that, more often than not, men practice (and I mean practice literally here) zipper sex in the way that they fuck – by rote, as in something they are used to.
I can be very verbal in play sessions, and really enjoy both speaking and hearing it in a session. I don’t mean the “oh, Daddy” kind but more the “yes, this is how I like it” and “more of that right there,” or even “try this.” My comments are sexualized instructions on how to suck my cock plain and simple. I feel this sets me apart as a good sexual communicator in bed. Yes, yes, yes, you might be saying, all that is well and good, but here’s kicker.
A lot of men merely listen for a moment and then go right back to what they usually do when giving a piston job – they go into their rote patterns of sucking cock. Guys – cock-sucking is an art form and if a man is willing to tell you how to please him, fuck. Just do it. I mean really listen, not just to the words, but even to how they are responding to what you are doing – the moans will give you a clue as to what to do more of and what to stop doing. For me, silence is not good (silence=bad) – this is probably the time when they are going into their heads and fantasizing/dissociating from the present moment. Being verbal really helps you and your partner stay present.
Every man is built differently and is sensitive in different parts of their cock. Personally I like to get hard in my partner’s mouth, slowly, so I prefer a “tasting” method.
DETAILED INSTRUCTIONS HERE SO PAY ATTENTION guys: Deep throat your partner and stay there without any movement, allowing your man to feel your breath on his pubes. this might even be the time to hum a few bars of your favorite aria or pop tune. Seriously. You can even get your buddy to join in on the refrain.
After the 4th or 5th verse, next try swallowing slowly while keeping your tongue extended toward the base. What this does is tighten your throat muscles around his meat and pull it down. After all, this is the action of the throat muscles, to pull food down your gullet. My oh my, this feels very good. In addition, the oxytocin in his pre-cum will make your throat feel good also, further encouraging it to contract.
So there ya go, all you blow monkeys out there.
And for you ‘heady guys” here is some more reading, an excerpt by Erobinteca:

I undid your belt buckle, popped the buttons of your faded jeans one at a time. Pulled them down to your ankles. Saw your large cock spring free in the dim light. You hopped onto the drafting table, sat with legs dangling, your fingers in my short hair.

You instructed me. With gentle words taught me how to use my tongue on your glans, my lips on your shaft. With you I learned pressure, suction, tempo. How to use my teeth, lightly, teasingly.
You whispered a request to me – suck your balls. Fleshy plums, I drew them into the cave of my mouth, played my tongue over them. With this you moaned for me, leaked a drop of fluid. Once again, my lips met the head of your cock, tasted the sweet, sour, salty promise of a lesson well-learned….

What this all cums down to guys is bringing mindfulness to your cock-sucking, a heightened level of awareness to all you jaw queens and throat monsters out there.
Never stop practicing!!